Tuesday, May. 02, 2006
Harrison
"I don't even want to think about it right now..." I said to Adam.
"Why not?" he inquired.
"Because it's so much work and we're definitly not in the financial situation..."
"Yeah, but if I get this job, then in a few years, we will be."
He is right. If, in fact, he does get hired for this job, we will definitly be in the financial situation to have a baby. Hell, it wouldn't even have to be in a few years. We'd be in the position financially to have one in a lot less time than that. But even if we will be in the financial situation, will we/I be in the emotional state to have a baby? Will I be ready? Will he be ready?
I don't think he knows exactly how much work and time those little people require. I don't think he's been around a baby for more than ten minutes in his life and he is talking about having one.
"I don't want to wait a long time,"he told me."I want to still be sort of young when we have one."
"I'm only 23 and you're 25!" I said. "We have plenty of time."
"Maybe in like, three years you'll be ready to have one?" he asked hopefully.
I don't know about that. Our lifestyles would have to change so drastically. It's hard to say if I will be ready within that amount of time. What if I am never ready? The thought kind of scares me.
Sometimes, I get that certain itch when I see a mother pushing a stroller down the street with a cute little kid in it. More often than not though, I like the freedom of being able to stay out as late as I want to, go wherever I want to, whenever I want to. I feel selfish saying it, but it's true. Everything would just be so different.
For awhile longer, we talked kind of nonchalantly about what we would name one if we would have one. That is a topic I am interested in. I joked,"Well, it looks like we can't have one because you don't like any of the names that I like." He told me that I like very 'flamboyant' names for boys. He likes his middle name, Harrison, for a first name. I hate it. When I told him this, he couldn't understand why. It just doesn't have that certain ring to it, ya know? It isn't pleasing to my ears for some reason.
Since last night, I've been thinking about babies....and even though I've been thinking about them a lot, I don't quite know what to think. All I know is what I had known about them before, which is they are cute, they are sometimes funny, they are a lot of work. They require much attention. They depend on their parents...that is the thought that scares me; how much they would depend on me. I don't know if I'm up for that just yet. Me? a mom?????? Adam? a dad?????