Sunday, Apr. 09, 2006

The Beginning of the End

It was a big fight. The kind where you can literally feel your heart breaking as you look into his eyes but then quickly avert them elsewhere because the pain in them is too much to handle. In fact, I looked anywhere except in his eyes; mostly down at my hands or at the flowered pattern on our bedspread. �Look at me,� he said through sobs . Again, I tried to but I was too ashamed at what I did, or was going to do, rather.

Contemplating cheating on someone you love and actually doing it are practically the same when you dissect the situation and look at the insides, piece by piece. Before Thursday night I thought that the difference between the two were unmistakable; doing it meant you were a bad person and thinking about it meant that you were merely a human with needs and wants. Since then I�ve come to think a little bit differently.

A single text message that came to my cell phone was what made him question my love and commitment towards him. I had been talking with a friend online and told him how shitty things were between Adam and I. I vented to him knowing that he has had a crush on me for about two years. He listened to me, consoled me, and it felt good to finally get some attention from an interested male. For the twenty minutes that I talked to him was more attention than I had received from Adam in months. Everyone loves to be made felt special but turning to someone other than Adam wasn�t what I should have done, but honestly, I didn�t know what else to do.

�If you felt unappreciated, then why didn�t you talk to me about it?� asked Adam.

The truth is that I had tried to talk to him about it many times before the shit hit the fan. There are a few nights where I can remember lying in bed at night, right before we were about to fall asleep and I would say to him out of the blue,�I�m sad. I need to talk to you.� In response, he would often reply,�You�re fucking depressed. You need to get back on medication.� When he would say that to me, it would make me even more sad than I already was. My immediate reaction would be to bury my face in my pillow and cry. My crying would trigger his anger even more so because of that, I wouldn�t say anything else about it. I would try my best to be happy.

Even though I did not technically cheat on Adam (I only made plans to have dinner with the guy), in his eyes the damage was already done because of the principal of the situation being that I had went behind his back. I can see his point too. I think that anyone in his shoes would feel betrayed. When he explained this to me all I could do was cry and apologize. I felt very small at that moment which is what I deserved.

While we were talking, I finally was able to look into his eyes. While doing so, all I could think was, �This is it. He�s leaving me.� He walked out the back door into the darkness of the night. I walked outside after him calling his name but he wasn�t to be seen anywhere. I went back inside only to have him come back in as well a few minutes later. He tried to leave but told me he just couldn�t do it because he loved me too much. The realness of the ordeal made me realize that I don�t want anyone else; only him.

That night, a week ago, I only got two hours of sleep. We talked a little bit, then let each other alone for awhile. I let him think about things while I cleaned the house like a mad woman and thought about things myself. I probably starting cleaning like that because I needed something to do with myself instead of sitting around. When I was finished the kitchen looked immaculate though.

My rush ended after that and I suddenly felt very tired so I went upstairs to where Adam was. At first I didn�t say anything to him and wouldn�t even look at him again. Quietly, he told me to come to him. I did and we just sat there, embraced in each others arms for a very long time without saying anything. When one of us finally let go, he said,�Don�t ever hurt me like that again.� I promised not to. He said that he wasn�t going to leave me; even over this, but it would take a really long time for him to get over it. I can�t say that I blame him.

Everything between us has been a lot better since last week. I can literally feel the change that has taken place between us. I�ve been a lot happier and he has been a lot more attentive towards me. We talk more, joke around more, and laugh more. During the whole five and a half years that I�ve known him, I can honestly say that I am more in love with him now than I ever was. In a weird way, maybe we needed something like that to happen in order to wake us up, jolt us, and realize that we were meant for each other. A lot of times couples take one another for granted and don�t realize what they had until it�s too late. I�m just glad it wasn�t too late for us. After all that had happened, it�s sort of like we are starting brand new. I think we just needed a fresh start.

missdahling at 3:03 pm