Sunday, Jan. 29, 2006
When it rains...
It's fairly rare when Adam and I fight, but the seldom times that we do, when it rains, it doesn't just pour; it's more like a hurricane. The cause of the fight that we had on Friday night is very inconsequential because it was over an insignificant matter. However, I will sum it up by saying that we were arguing because there was an issue between us which I found important and he didn't. Again, whether or not the issue at hand was actually imperative is irrelavant. My point is that if anyone would have witnessed our argument that happened very late on Friday night / Saturday morning, they wouldn't have thought we were two people in love, but instead, they would have thought we were two people at war.
The feud started so quickly that I didn't even know we were arguing until I heard the words,"Go to hell, you fucking asshole!", come out of my mouth. In a fury, Adam stomped down the hallway, down the stairs, muttering curse words and sentences to me as horrible and hurtful as what I said to him. "I'm leaving and you better not lock me out of the fucking house either!" I smirked to myself when the realization hit me that if I wanted to, I actually could lock him out. The realization was comparable to one of those cartoons where someone has a genius idea and a lightbulb appears in a speech bubble. When I was sure that he had pulled away, I brazenly went downstairs and locked all three locks on the front door with satisfaction. Always, the kitchen door stays locked because we never use the back door, but not to my surprise, I found it unlocked, obviously for when Adam came home. I shook my head and cursed him for thinking that he could outsmart me. So much for him being tricky.
For the next three hours I tossed and turned in bed, trying to go to sleep, but knowing that I would not be able to. Out loud, in the dark I cried and yelled to noone in particular. I find that when I'm alone in a situation like the one I was in, the most awful thoughts go through my mind. Ones that I wouldn't normally think if he would have stuck around. With no guilt, I thought that I didn't need him; I'd be just fine on my own, maybe even better off without him. I mentally made a list of all the guys who could possibly be interested in me and which one I could pursue first. Since I'm going to quit smoking, I thanked the higher beings that there were no cigarettes in the house or otherwise, I would have probably smoked the entire pack within the three hours that he was gone.
When what seemed like eternity went by, I finally heard the automatic lock on the car beep and knew that Adam was home. Apprehensively, I heard him go to the front door first, then the back door, and then back into the car and drive away again. Knowing that within the next few moments my cell phone would ring and he would be the one calling, I turned off my phone, got up off the bed where I was sitting and made one final attempt at revenge. With my own two hands, the football video game for Playstation 2 that he idolizes so much was snapped in half and broken in two pieces. I looked at the line where the game had broken. Surprisingly, it wasn't jagged, but a smooth break. "A smooth break, for a smooth move,"I thought. For a second, I felt good; the calmest I had felt since before the fight started.
When that damage was done, I turned my cell phone back on and it immediatly began to rang. This time I picked up and said one simple sentence and nothing more. "I unlocked the door."
We fought with one another until seven am. We called each other every name in the book and then some. It wasn't until we were both tired of fighting when we stopped. There was no apologies, but we both knew it was over and there was nothing left to fight about anymore. The issue we were arguing over was dropped because even though it wasn't said in words, him and I had come to an agreement and met each other half way. I could just tell by the look in his eyes that there was no reason to be fighting any longer.
That morning, we went out for breakfast and talked and laughed as though nothing had happened. We got home in the mid morning and went back to sleep for a few hours. The sleep felt good and I was revitalized when I woke up in the afternoon. "Oh yeah," I said to Adam. "You can't play your football game anymore." "Why?" he asked me cautiously. "Because I broke it last night when I was mad at you, but I am sorry." He sighed, called me a bitch and gave me a big hug. I hadn't told him during the fight that I had broke his game because it was more satisfying to me that he didn't know about it. That's how it is for me. Keeping things from people; especially when it's something that I know the person would want to know, gives me gratification. It's when I feel guilty that I feel the need to let them in on the secret.
Soon after I was up and dressed for the day, I left Adam at home while he played Grand Theft Auto. I went to Wal Mart and found the 2006 version of the football game that he used to have and bought it for him. He was really surprised and touched by my gesture. At least he doesn't have to play the 2004 version anymore, so it actually did work out for him.
Even though I didn't say that I was sorry in words, he knew that I was by my gesture. In the midst of the fight, I thought and said horrible things...some too awful that it embarrasses me to think that something like that would have crossed my mind. When it comes down to it, I would not want to be with anyone else because I have a great guy and a relationship that is real.