Wednesday, Sept. 21, 2005
Sick and Tired and Thinking
Last night I didn't feel very well. After work I took a nap, but felt even worse when I woke up two hours later. My head was pounding, my muscles and joints were achy, and one minute I would be breaking out into a sweat, then the next minute I'd feel as if I were in the arctic. The worst part was that I had to go out to pick Adam up from work. He wanted me to come in to his job and I wanted him to meet me outside. This caused an argument.
"I don't feel good. Just come outside and meet me,"I pleaded.
"Come inside. It'll only take a minute. I can't believe you're sick. I cannot afford to get sick right now."
I was exasperated and started to cry, responding,"It isn't my fault that I'm sick. Don't blame it on me."
"If you want, I won't even come home tonight. I'll stay out and drink the entire night,"he said.
"Go ahead. I don't really care what you do." And at that point, I actually didn't care.
To sum it up, we both apologized, and I ended up picking him up. I called his work when I got there so that he could come outside right away without me having to go in. We stopped at the store and bought juice, advil, and Tylonol Cold and Flu pills for me. I felt like shit and I was still a little upset over the conversation we had earlier. I just cannot let things go. I was bitter to him at first, turning away when he tried to kiss me. "I'm not kissing you," I said. "You cannot afford to get sick right now," I said mockingly. Even when I mock him and am mean as hell to him, he still responds in a kind manner. He said softly,"Hey, I'm sorry I said those things. I didn't mean them." Again, I apologized, but inside, I still felt like yelling at him.
Finally, while we were laying in bed, him watching tv and me resting and almost falling asleep, I let my guard down. I buried my head in his chest while he held me. I felt bad. I wondered why he loved me when there were so many prettier, nicer girls out there. He is a genuinelly nice person, and myself? Well, if you've been reading this diary, you know how I can act at times. The majority of fights between Adam and I are usually caused by myself. He could find a girl who is as nice a person as he is. Someone who he would be much happier with. I just don't know how he puts up with me sometimes. No matter what I do, he says he will always love me. No matter how bad of a fight we get in, he says he will always love me. It's amazing, really.
Sometimes when I act really ridiculous and out of hand, he threatens to leave me just so that I'll calm down. It works too because the thought of not spending every day with him tears me up inside. I wouldn't be able to go on. However, I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. Sometimes when I am really angry at him I think that I used to love him more towards the beginning. I often wonder if I loved him more when he didn't love me. I really take him for granted now. I know that I love him so it's stupid for me to think those things, right? It is stupid, but at least I know that I'm in love and would never do anything to put our relationship in jeapordy. At least I realize that I'll never find a guy who loves me as much as he does. I would never find anyone who would put up with me like he does either. So why do I think about things that make me feel guilty? Now that I recognize these things, I need to do something about them. I should stop thinking horrible thoughts and especially stop taking him for granted. One of these days he is going to get so fed up with me that he will actually leave and then I'll be left alone. I don't want that.