Wednesday, Jul. 20, 2005
Comfort Level
"If you guys knew how we acted when we aren't in public, you'd probably never want to even speak to us ever again,"Adam said laughing while he played with his poker chips.
It's true. Together, in the privacy of only one another, we are crazy, completely silly, and ridiculous. I've realized that those are the moments I love best; when we're alone and can act goofy around one another. In the middle of the night, just as we are about ready to fall asleep, I'll yell something ridiculous, random, and often only one word just to hear him break out into a fit of laughter. I join him soon after that. Many times, I've said that we're weird, but I guess every couple is in their own way. I can joke around with him like I can with noone else. I can act as stupid as I want and he thinks it's cute. It would be embarrassing for anyone else to see that side of me. But with him, I'm comfortable and I love it.
It took so long for us to even get to that point in our relationship. There was a time that seems so long ago now, that I used to carefully plan what outfit I was going to wear when I saw him, making sure never to wear the same one twice. And I thought he cared about materialistic things like that. I know now that he doesn't. I could wear a garbage bag and he would still see me as beautiful. Now, when he uses four pillows for himself and only gives me two, I'll yell and say,"Give me more fucking pillows! They're not all for you!" Then a playful fight for the pillows breaks out. It used to be that I would be squished against the wall in a single bed with him sprawled out beside me taking up all the space. The shittiest pillow would be mine and he would get the fluffliest, most comfortable one and I wouldn't say a god damned thing about it. Our relationship is so much more comfortable now. I used to think things were getting boring, because no, they aren't as exciting as they used to be. But I think the excitement that I was feeling was just newness. Now things aren't so new, but will never be old, if that makes sense. And I'm happy with that.
Often times I can't help but think of our past and get upset about how we used to treat each other. I just have to get over it and tell myself it isn't like that anymore. That was then and this is now. At the end of October, 2002 I started typing in this diary. Sometimes I click on my old entries and read about what my life used to be like. It's almost like a documentation of my relationship with him. It tells the story of how things were, how we got together and how things are now. I wish I would have started writing sooner than Oct. 2002. I met him in July 2000. Summer of 2001 and 2002 were some of the best times I ever had with him and I just wish I would have archives of those days so that can remember them vividly. However, I will continue to write in this diary and perhaps, maybe one day in the future, on a rainy, Sunday afternoon, amongst our silliness, I will print out hard copies of this entire journal and let him read about our sad times, happy times, arguments and all other experiences from my perspective. Then again, even though I share almost everything with him, I kind of like having an outlet for my thoughts that even Adam doesn't know about. I'll have to think about that one for awhile.
Poker Night was fun last night. Adam won both games that we played, lucky guy. Rick ended up getting extremely fucked up. He drank about 10 beers when we were playing cards and had been drinking at the bar before that. We smoked which probably got him even more fucked up. Adam asked Rick before we started playing if he would sell us a gram which Rick said yes to. As Rick got more and more fucked up, he handed Adam the bag of weed that had probably about 3 grams in it and said,"Here, put this in your pocket." "How much do you want for it?" Adam asked. Rick said,"Nothing. Just put it in your pocket." Wow. Nice. After the games were over, when Adam got back from taking Cheryl and Rick home, I picked up the bag which Adam had thrown on the table before he left, and asked,"Did he leave this here?" Adam was like,"No! He gave it to us! ... Probably because he was fucked up!" Ok then, we'll take it, but we'll definitely have to get him back sometime.
That night I fell asleep while watching an episode of the Sopranos. This morning when I woke up it seemed like I had only slept for about 45 minutes. I love good sleep like that.