Thursday, Jun. 02, 2005
Hard to Say I'm Sorry
Instead of going out tonight, I went out last night. I need to lay off drinking on Thursday nights; at least for awhile anyway. Lately there have been one too many Fridays when I call off because of a hangover. Come to think of it, I usually call off around 4-5am when I am still drunk. That way I am able to leave a voice mail rather than talk to a live person. I know that it's horrible and when I wake up and am feeling better I feel bad for calling off and screwing over my co-workers. When anyone calls off work there is noone to call to fill in for them, but it isn't my fault that the company is understaffed. The morale where I work is very low thanks to the way things are run. Bad behavior seems to get rewarded and good behavior goes unmentioned. One of my co-workers just quit. His last day was the 31st. To the staff, he wrote an email bidding us farewell. Here is an excert from the email he sent to us: The only way ******** will grow is if everyone thinks about what they are doing and how it will affect the future of ********. If you truly care about your position this is the way you would approach it. I did but I could not continue to fight a battle I felt I was losing. If you all stick together you may win that battle. I certainly hope you do. I'm only getting 36 hours a week instead of 40 because of the lack of calls that come in during the summer months. Since I'm only losing 8 hours per paycheck (we get paid biweekly) I don't mind. One person got sent an email from my boss stating that he was no longer needed because of the lull. Often times I worry that my boss will decide to sell this company like he did with the last one he ran. Then I'll be jobless. I've said this before, but I need to go back to school and get a degree so I can quit this job. If I stay here I'll be stuck. I hate the thought of that. That's enough bitching about work.
Don't ask how I got so drunk last night because I'm trying to figure that one out myself. The vodka must have been stronger than I thought. Adam convinced me to go out last night. I had a long day at work yesterday, hence the bitching and complaining in the above paragraph, and was anxious to go home and relax. I was still planning on doing so when I picked him up from work at 10. He's been able to get out of work fairly early a lot lately because the weekend daytime bartender needs the hours desperatly. She is fighting cancer and going through treatments without health insurance. She's strongwilled, proud, and doesn't want to apply for health assistance so she needs all the hours she can get in order to pay for her chemo and doctoring. I really admire people who are that driven. The other bartender who works on the nights Adam doesn't was there drinking. He came up to me and asked if I was going to go out. I replied,"No, I just don't feel like it." He then said,"Well, maybe so but sometimes you have to even though you don't feel like it." I knew he was right. A couple drinks? What the hell, right? I should have known then that I was going to get trashed, It always happens when I want to have only 'a few drinks'. We figured that we'd go visit one of our favorite bartenders in town since it had been ages since we'd been in last. I don't know a single person who has ever said anything bad about this man. He seems to always be in a good mood even when the bar is super busy and everyone is rowdy and rude. He'll cook food right up to the minute the bar is supposed to close. He's always smiling too. He's just a genuinly nice guy.
Before we got to the bar, Adam said to me,"I can just hear Davie (the bartender at the place we were going to) now. We'll walk in and he'll smile and say, 'Adam ... Jenn! ... What can I get you guys tonight?'" I had to laugh because that impression of Davie was just about perfect. Sure enough, that's exactly what he said. There were only two other cars in the parking lot when we arrived. I had forgotten that this bar always got more of a late night crowd. It's a private club so it can be open an hour and a half later than public bars. It used to be open 24 hours but the LCB doesn't allow it anymore. Besides Adam and I the only other people in the place were these two older guys. One was drinking Coca Cola and the other was drinking some kind of whiskey on the rocks. Is that an aquired taste? I just can't imagine anyone drinking whiskey like that. Maybe I'm too much of a girl. Whenever Adam gets change from buying our drinks, he usually puts it into the quarter machines. Most of the time he'll get $1.00 winners, or maybe $10. He asked me to pick which slot to put the quarters in last night. I glanced at the machine and told him to try the one to the far left. $1.25 later, he had the ticket with the three yellow and black bars; the $100.00 ticket. Not bad for only $1.25. That's gambling though. You win some, you lose some. And trust me, he's lost some. Although, he is luckier than a dog with two dicks when it comes to playing the lottery and gambling. He wins more than he loses.
We went to another bar after, about an hour later, but I didn't even finish my drink. I tried to drink it but the alcohol hit me all at once so I ended up wasting half of it. Adam and I played some cards when we got home. I was competent enough to play but I didn't win. After we finished 31, I decided it was time for me to lay down. As Adam and I were laying there, I started thinking about the two of us. I suddenly said to him,"Ya know what I like about us? No matter how mad or angry or upset we get with each other, I know that everything will still be okay." Then I started apologizing for shit that I had done to hurt him years ago, when we were just sleeping with one another. I used to try to intentionally hurt him by sleeping with his roommate and other people to make up for the fact that he didn't want to be my boyfriend. I used to hope that he'd be jealous when he heard about me with other people. Scandalous, yes. In my sober mind I would never bring topics like this up, but last night I wasn't sober. I was quite drunk so I started apologizing. When he asked what I was apologizing for, I mumbled,"For being mean to you back then....I'd think to myself, well, if I did this, then I'd be one up on him...." He said,"Yeah, it was apparent. You're all about revenge." Maybe then, but I've changed. I could have elaborated on that topic but at that point I was too tired and too drunk to carry on the converation. Instead, I passed out asking myself whether I was and still am a bitter person.