Wednesday, Apr. 27, 2005
Gettin' The Best of Me
Last night Adam made a special request for me to dance naked for him. I just couldn't do it. I'm really not comfortable enough with myself to do that. Plus, I was still a little distraught from the conversation we had the night before. I felt bad that I didn't since he really wanted me to. I want to please him in any way I can, but like I said, I'm not comfortable with my body. For me, it would be easier to dance in front of strangers rather than people I know in real life. I have a better time letting strangers judge me. Note that I said it would be 'easier', not easy. I would definitly have stage fright. I was offered jobs as a stripper two separate times by two separate strip clubs, but declined both offers. I really considered taking the one job I was offered, but decided against it for morality reasons. However, I have decided that I will dance for Adam one of these nights to try to fulfill his fantasy. He'd love it. I want to totally surprise him.
When I was trying to fall asleep last night I was still thinking about what we talked about on Monday night. See yesterdays entry if you don't know what I'm talking about. I came to the realization that before Adam and I were officially a couple, our relationship was based on sex and sex only. It wasn't about having a nice personality and doing things for one another like it is now. It was on a much less serious level. Since we had a relationship about sex before, I think now that things have changed, I feel like I don't need sex as much. I need to find that happy medium. I was afraid of losing him because of a having a horrible sex life. He assured me that it was anything but horrible and apologized if he made it out to be that way. We talked about things a little and I am feeling much better about everything. Me and my god damn insecurities. I let them get the best of me every time.