Tuesday, Apr. 26, 2005
Thinking About It
Earlier this afternoon I walked to work. Unlike the last time that I walked to work, I was on time today. Before, I was a few minutes late. If I start walking a lot more I will get in better shape and thus, it won't take me as long to get here because I'll be walking quicker. It's a beautiful day outside. It's sunny, but there is a slight breeze blowing. It isn't too hot, nor too chilly. Perfect, spring weather.
While I was walking, I was thinking about something Adam said to me last night. I thought about it after he said it last night until I fell asleep. It was the first thing that I thought of when I opened my eyes this morning. I was probably even thinking about it in my sleep too. This morning he left for work before me. I was still laying in bed. He said goodbye, then leaned down towards my face and asked for a kiss. "No," I said. His reply was,"Ok, I think I know why...whatever." About an hour after I got to work, he called me to say hi and I acted quite cold towards him. He said he'd let me go because it didn't seem as though I wanted to talk. It made me feel bad when he said that so I tried harder to find something to say to him. The conversation was very brief and I knew that both of us could tell that something just wasn't right...
Adam closed the bar an hour early last night to compensate for going in earlier than usual. Afterwards, a friend and customer of his came back to our house to hang out for a bit. We had a few drinks, smoked a little and played cards. The friend taught Adam and I how to play a game called 99. At first I didn't comprehend the strategy at all, but it was a fun game once I got the hang of it. We had been sitting around our kitchen table for a good two hours at the least when our guest decided to head back home. He ended up getting decently fucked up so it is good that he lives within walking distance. I said goodbye to him, then lazily walked upstairs as Adam continued walking him to the front door.
I came out of the bathroom to find Adam in our bedroom. I changed into pajamas, then joined him where he was sitting on the bed. When he first asked if I wanted to smoke again I said no. I didn't have a reason for not wanting to smoke except that I just didn't feel like it. I was tired and wanted to sleep. But I told him that if he packed it, I'd smoke with him. After the bowl was beat, I turned over onto my side and closed my eyes. It was then when he asked me,"Why don't you ever want to have sex?" He's asked me this a few times before and it always catches me off guard. I told him that it was a ridiculous question and not true at all. He told me that he always initiates everything when I asked what he meant by it. When I denied it, he said sort of sarcastically,"Oh yeah, when's the last time you jumped me?"
So I've been thinking about that conversation ever since it happened. The truth is, he's right...kind of. He is correct in the sense that I never initiate anything. I can't recall the last time I wanted him so bad that I pushed him down on the bed and had my way with him. On the contrary, he is wrong because he said that I never want to have sex. Absolutly not true. Just because I don't do the initiating does not by any means mean that I don't want to have sex. Normally, I'm ready for it any time, any place but he has to make the first move. I don't know why. I feel bad because I don't want him to think he's unwanted. I'm sad because I feel as though he thinks our sex life is horrible. Maybe it is and I'm just blind to it. Who knows.