Thursday, Feb. 17, 2005
Falling Asleep
Tentatively, Adam and I are supposed to meet with the landlord of the apartment we looked at on Saturday to sign the lease. On Tuesday night I listened to Adam give a sob story to the guy over the phone. He told the landlord that Mr. Skins was part of our family and he was given to me as a Christmas present.
After playing 20 questions (the landlord wanted to know what kind of cat he was, whether he was declawed and neutered, if he went outside,etc.,etc.,etc.) he finally caved in and told us that we could all live there; Mr. Skins included. However, there is a catch. Mr. Skins will cost us $100.00 more per month! Holy fuck. That's a lot of money to keep a cat.
It will cost us $25.00 less per month if we were to stay at the place we're at now. Our landlords now only charge $25.00 per month extra for pets. So we're a little undecided as to what to do. I'd like to stay in my apartment, but Adam and I want a place of our own. If we choose to stay, our roommates will most likely stay as well. Not that we don't like them or get along with them or anything like that, we just want a place to call our own.....if he still wants to live with me that is ....
We got into a fight last night which I started. He called me from work to let me know that he would be home in about 15 - 30 minutes. Everyone at the bar had their drinks for last call and he was cleaning some things up. I had been sleeping so I looked at the alarm clock on the nightstand and saw that it read 3:23am. He usually has everyone out of there by 3:30 am (LCB rules are that private clubs cannot set up alcohol after 3am and everyone has to be out the door by 3:30am). The tone of my voice was very unfriendly and rude. I was mad because I had to wait longer to see him. I missed him a lot yesterday and just wanted to spend some time with him.
I shouldn't have been rude to him, I admit. But I knew that it would be awhile until he got home. I know him almost as well as I know myself. Whenever he calls and gives a time frame of when he is planning on coming home, I know to add about 30 minutes to 1 hr. to the time he told me.
Matt and him got home got home around 5:15am. I tried to fall asleep while they were gone but couldn't. I was still trying to fall asleep when he walked into our bedroom. He layed down and asked if I wanted to smoke. I replied coldly,"No, I'm going to sleep."
Even though I apologized for the way I spoke to him on the phone, he didn't believe that I was sincere. I cried for such a long time. I had butterflies in my stomach because of nerves, felt sick to my stomach and was very anxious. I don't know why I got so upset but I was. It was pissing him off too because he said that I had no reason to be crying....I'm not sure if I had a reason or not actually. Sometimes you just have to cry; reason or no reason.
The more I cried, the more angry he got at me. I desperatly needed a hug. I wanted him to comfort me, but he was facing away from me. I hate being in bed with him while we're fighting. It's like he's there, but he's not ....I always feel really lonely when that happens because I turn to him when I need comfort. If I don't have him, then who else is there? I have my friends, but I didn't want to wake them up at that hour.
I mumbled,"Maybe tomorrow I'll die and then you won't have to deal with me anymore."
When I'm upset, I am very irrational. I wouldn't never, ever do anything to physically hurt myself intentionally. I guess I just said it to get his attention. It worked.
Immediatly, he responded by jumping out of bed, yelling,"Take that back! Take that back! You're saying that to use it against me!"
I was not saying it use against him. Like I said, I don't know why I said it. I often say things I don't mean when I'm upset, hurt, or angry. I shook my head no when he said that but didn't look at him. He angrily pulled the covers off of me so they fell in a heap to the floor. Still, I didn't look at him. I kept my face buried in my pillow. The last thing I remember him saying was,"You cunt! You fucking cunt! .... my blood pressure is probably so fucking high right now!!!"
At that moment, I finally fell asleep.