Monday, Feb. 21, 2005
Can't Take it and Won't
Adam's actions and words on Wednesday night / Thursday morning were results of drinking too much. Just the other Friday he promised me that he wasn't going to do this to me anymore. He has promised me countless times before that he wouldn't do that. That's why it hurts even more when he does it. He's mean and rude when he drinks too much. He has a problem and he knows it; yet, this continues to happen time and time again.
When he came home on Thursday night after work (regular time that he'd be home) I could tell that neither one of us knew what to say to each other. The icy silence in the room was almost unbearable. Finally he said,"I have nothing to say about last night. I've never been so ashamed in my life."
The conversation went like it always does when he gets out of line from one too many Bud Lights. Except this time I reiterated time and time again that this could not keep happening. I told him not to promise me he would stop doing it. I said,"You've promised me so many times before that it wouldn't continue and it always happens again. So this time, don't say it because you know that I'm right." All he could do was look down remosefully and say,"I know."
He tried to explain to me that the person who said all those mean things to me and acted like a monster wasn't really him. I know that it was the booze talking, but still, I don't care who the fuck it was. I don't deserve to be treated like that by anyone. I blame byself whenever an incident like that occurs when it isn't even my fault. He admitted that too. At those moments, I don't love him but I didn't have the heart to tell him that.
If he didn't touch another drop of alcohol for the rest of his life I'd be so happy. Of course I can't tell him that he isn't allowed to drink ever again. I've never been controlling and don't want to be. It isn't so much that I don't want him drinking though. I just don't want it to get to that point where he's going to be an asshole. Neither one of sees it coming either. If he can't handle that much alcohol, then he shouldn't fucking drink that much. But he obviously doesn't know his limits.
If it happens one more time he said that he would check himself into AA. I said,"No, if it happens again, I'm leaving." It may be harsh, but he's broken so many promises to me about this sort of thing....always saying it will stop and won't happen again. Another two weeks go by and we're in the same situation. I can't deal with that for the rest of my life and I won't. I love him so much and wouldn't want to leave, but I know that I could if I absolutly had to. I'd just think about all the fights and broken promises he's made to me about drinking and it would just make it that much easier to say goodbye. But I really hope it doesn't come down to that. I don't want it to.