Monday, Jan. 17, 2005
It's Not So Bad
First off, thanks to everyone who sent me birthday notes, cards, and gifts. I really appreciate all of it.
My birthday turned out to be nice afterall. On Thursday, my cell phone battery was dead the whole day and I didn't have my charger at work. Later that night while I was charging it, a few new voice mails came up. They turned out to all be birthday wishes from friends and family. That really helped my mood since deep down, I thought that noone cared.
Why didn't anyone tell me that I was being selfish? It was my birthday for Christ's sake! I am only 22. My life is just starting, not ending. If I'm not happy at 22 years old, how am I going to feel when I'm 32, and 42, and so on and so on. I need to start living more so in the moment and not dwelling about the future so much.
On Friday night Adam and I had a long talk after we had gotten home from the bar about my/our future and my job and the stress that it causes me. Sometimes it gets so bad that I find myself bringing my work home with me which is not healthy at all. Adam is really encouraging me to go back to school. He thinks that I need to do this and I know that he is right. I have to find something that I want to do and actually persue it; not just talk about doing it. He suggested that I go to school part time or full time and work either part time or full time depending on what my work schedule is. Cost is an excuse that I use to tell myself that school isn't an option, but I admitted that we would be just fine if I were to go back. College is something that I really regret not finishing. If I had gone straight through, I'd be graduating this year with a four year degree. Thing is, I was lost. I didn't know what I wanted to be and I still don't. I need direction. College is something I think about everyday. If I were to get a better job, Adam and I could finally get out of this area. I know that I have to go back. I have to do this not only for Adam and I, but for myself.
Friday night started out very shitty. I felt tired and worn-down. I was in a foul, foul mood. He wanted to be out and I didn't. We fought at the bar in front of everyone until finally, I couldn't take anymore of it. I went to the car and cried. When Adam came outside I cried lots more, then had to pull myself together because he still wanted to stop by his friend Ben's house.
On the way home from Ben's, I could feel my eyes swell up with tears again. I felt overwhelmed and sad about well, everything. I don't know why. Like Adam said, I need to get back on my medication. With me having problems of my own and him yelling at me for not wanting to go out, how I acted at the bar, etc., etc...I guess it just became too much and I can't handle stress.
Both of us calmed down a lot and were able to talk to each other after a little bit. It was one of those talks that we had before about how he doesn't think that I respect him and how he does everything for me and I do nothing in return. He didn't say it in those words, but that's how I took it. It crushed me because even though he said that he knows I love him, I still had doubts that he knows. Adam assured me that no matter how upset at me he got, he would love me always. He told me that he wants to have children with me and marry me someday. I asked how he knew that I loved him and he told me to look in his eyes and tell him. After I did so, he said,"I can see it in your eyes."
Talking to Adam about things that upset me always makes me feel better, even if he is angry at me. He always knows what to say to help me. That night, I went to bed with what seemed like a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders thanks to him.
Aside from going to the pool match on Saturday afternoon, Adam and I had a dinner date. We went to a really nice restaurant called Penn's Tavern. Adam read the story about the tavern that was typed on the back of the menu. The story said that Penn's Tavern was a place where William Penn (the founder of Pennsylvania) was reunited with his long lost family member or something like that.
The inside walls were all made of stone and the floors were wooden. It gave that old-timey effect. The prices weren't bad either. It only cost us around $60.00 for dinner and drinks. I had fillet mignon (of course; I always get this) and Adam chose to get the prime rib since that's what the resturant was known for. Both dishes were excellent. I hadn't had fillet that good for a long time.
The really cool thing was that you listened to music while you ate; live music. They had a piano player there and a violinist who provided entertainment. They were dressed up in old outfits. The music they played ranged from 'Three Blind Mice' to 'Piano Man' by Billy Joel. Adam just called me and asked if I wanted to go eat there this weekend. We both enjoyed it so much.
On the way home Adam had to drive because I was a little tipsy off wine. I think I commented that 'I wish we had more of that wine' about seven times. It was good though; white zimfendel. I'm not usually a wine drinker either.
I must have been feeling the wine more than I thought because when we got home, I passed out five minutes after we layed down to watch a movie.
Megan stopped by to say goodbye before going back to college and to pick up the two bottles of alcohol that I had bought her earlier in the day. She's in college and broke, so she asked for vodka and rum as she handed me $40.00. I bought her a bottle of Nikolai and a bottle of, get this, Admiral Nelson. haha. Admiral Nelson is a Captain Morgan imitation. It was only $17.00 for a huge bottle of it when Captain is usually $36.00 for a bottle the same size. I was cracking up laughing while I was buying this. The label even had a picture on it that looked like the Captain Morgan guy. I asked her today if her and her friends have had any nice, refreshing, Admiral and cokes yet. She said,"No, but we finished off the bottle of Nikolai last night."
I love my sister!
Yesterday it snowed and the roads weren't all that great so we stayed in most of the day except going to Ben's at night for a few hours. We watched football, then some shows that came on Fox. We had some beers and smoked some too. We left because we were hungry.
The rest of the night we watched movies and played some video games until the early hours of the morning. I fell asleep in Adam's arms and woke up to the sound of his voice. I wouldn't have it any other way.