Monday, Dec. 20, 2004

Don't Be Late

After work on Friday I went over to Ben's house, smoked and watched tv. I don't know if Adam is aware that I did that or not. I didn't mention it to him and I don't think Ben did either. I kind of hope he doesn't know about it just because Adam can be jealous even though he has no reason to be. We don't need to fight about nothing. Although, I think we already do that sometimes.

The rest of the night I stayed home. I was by myself for most of the night because Adam worked until 8, then went out to drink. I'm not sure where he went. He got home later than he said he'd be, but that isn't a surprise. I didn't get too upset but it did piss me off. It always does.

I slept horribly on Friday night. Thank God that I did not have to go to work on Saturday. I woke in the middle of the night because I heard Adam knock over a glass which was sitting on the night stand next to the bed. That was the end of my peaceful nights sleep. I was awake and not happy at all. I'd tap Adam on the shoulder, wake him up and tell him that I couldn't sleep. It wasn't fair that he was sleeping and I wasn't.

When I woke up, I was undecided as to whether or not I wanted to go to the pool match at the Ends. After much debate, I decided to go. Adam lost his match, but shot very well. The guy he shot against has been hustling pool tables since before Adam was even born so I was proud. The opponent only had 3 balls left on the table. The really great thing was that the team won by one match.

My family's Christmas party was held at my uncle's house Saturday afternoon around 4. It was the first I had seen Megan since she was home for Thanksgiving. The whole point of the party is to visit with the family, and eat. The only people who actually get gifts are Madison, and my two cousins, Christopher and Cody. All the other grandchildren are too old. Of course everyone gets a gift for my grandmother too. My cousin's wife sells MaryKay makeup so every year she gets us makeup. This year I got two eyeshadow pallats.

Megan was saying how it wasn't fair because she was cut off the gift list this year and I had been receiving presents up until last year. haha.

I stayed at my uncle's and hung out with everyone until everyone was helping clean things up. Then I went home to an empty house. I smoked a bowl while trying to decide if I wanted to deal with going to the Eagles to see the band and play pong. It was only about 8:30 so I decided to go instead of sitting by myself for another few hours.

A lot of Adam's friends came down this time. The band members, and about 15 other people were there. Some of them I had met before, and some of them I haven't. I didn't get drunk and I didn't have a very good time. Adam was here and there, talking to everyone and I was pretty much left to sit by myself the whole time except when we played pong together. I understand that he had all of his friends there who he never gets to see anymore, but wouldn't it have been nice to include me in some of that? Couldn't I have walked around with him too? He would come over and talk to me and then disappear right away.

Maybe it wasn't right and maybe it was my fault that I didn't have fun. As I sat there watching him catch up on old times with old friends, I thought of how lucky he was to have everyone there. Then I got to thinking about my old friends from Bloom and how I never see, or even talk to most of them anymore. The only person I still talk to occasionally is Jaquoline. I want a summer freshman reuinion. I wanted to be buzzing around, saying,"Remember when this happened..." and,"Oh yeah...that was the time when...."

I sat there wishing for the past and got sad. I had to suck it up though. I couldn't sit there and let all his friends see me being miserable even though they probably all think that already.

Most of Adam's friends I had met when he lived in Bloom. I used to talk to his roommates when I'd go up there for parties so I know pretty much all of them. But with some of them, I feel that they're all judging me. Some of are probably thinking about why Adam is even with me. The girls probably don't think I'm pretty enough, or a snob, or a slut. I'm sure they all 'know of me' and what they know about me doesn't necessarily have to be good things. I'm so insecure I make myself sick.

We stayed at the Eagles until a little after midnight. When he said he was ready to leave, I was so glad. I was there the entire time without complaining or asking when he was ready to go.

On the way home he kept thanking me for going. He knew that I didn't want to and that I didn't have fun. But it meant a lot to him, so I'm glad I went.

Yesterday I didn't leave my house once. The only time I left was to go to Subway. I was shocked to see it snowing when I walked outside too. I hate snow.

For the most part, Adam and I layed around and smoked. He wanted to watch the football game at the Ones. He asked if it were okay that he went until around half time and I said that was fine. Well, he ended up watching the whole game at the One's and then went to the Rescues. I was/ still am pissed. I keep making comments to let him know that I'm upset. Either he doesn't catch on to subtlty, or he doesn't want to acknowledge the fact that I'm mad. It doesn't bother me that he goes there or goes out without me. What bothers me is that he always says he will be home at a certain time and then comes home 3 hours later (in last night's case , 3 hrs. later). He promised me the other night that he was going to try to be more punctual. I guess he isn't trying.

I'm stuck at work for another 3 and 1/2 hours and Adam has off today. He's hanging out with Ben playing video games and stuff. I hope he remembers to pick me up at 10 and isn't late.

missdahling at 4:06 p.m.