Friday, Dec. 17, 2004

Maybe, Maybe, Maybe

I'm so worried about Adam and I right now. Our relationship has been well, to put it bluntly, shitty. We fight too often for my liking. On Tuesday night when I picked him up from work, I was driving to the Eagles and he got pissed off because he thought I ran a stop sign. I did one of those look-both-ways, then coast through type deals. He flipped out. He raised his voice and said,"YOU just ran that fucking stop sign!!!!" He yelled some more. Then we yelled back and forth to one another.

I told him to leave me alone and ran in side. I ordered my beer and signed the book. It was then when I realized that I didn't want to stay there anymore because he kept patronizing me about the whole stop sign thing. Plus, he told me that I 'might as well just go home.'

We were civil to one another when he got home, but certainly not friendly. There was only a little bit of arguing. We smoked a bowl with Malone and Nicole, then went to sleep. He went to sleep anyway. I stayed awake for a little while just thinking.

I was almost asleep, dozing off, when Adam's cell phone rang and woke me up.
"Who was that?" I asked. He said that it was ---- and I didn't know her. Then he mumbled,"Noone that I would call back at 3 in the morning..."

It was his ex-girlfriend. He didn't tell me this, but I remember him mentioning her name before and I've seen her name in his cell phone book. That didn't really piss me off, but it made me sad and almost panicky for so many reasons.

For one, she should not have been calling him at that hour of the night. You don't call someone at the time to just say hi. I know this very well because I used to be the girl doing the calling. Besides, isn't any call past midnight or one am a booty call?

Reason number two is that it makes me nervous. The call could make him start thinking about her again. All those old feelings will start flooding back. Then he'll decide to call her and they will start talking again...even worse, they'll start talking behind my back. Or worse yet, they will have an affair behind my back. I can't bear the thought.

The third reason why I didn't like the call was because you don't hear ex-boyfriends or ex-hookups (I haven't really had too many 'real' boyfriends) calling MY phone at 3am!

Come to think of it, I don't have any ex-boyfriends / ex-hookups numbers in my phone. I just never programmed them into my phone book when I got my new phone. My old Nokia used to have them in but that's because I never took them out when Adam and I started seeing each other seriously in August, 2003. I got my new phone a few months ago. Adam first got his cell phone almost a year ago. His dad gave it to him for Christmas last year. Our relationship had been official for about 3 months at that point.

And I think what bothers me most about the call is that we've been fighting more lately, and haven't been getting along that great. Don't get me wrong, we both love each other dearly, but I think we're just going through a tough spot in our relationship. It just scares me because maybe he will think that it would be better with someone else.

Yesterday I called off work. I lounged around all day just thinking (again). Bought cat food and litter, and shampoo and toilet paper. Exciting, I know.

I waited for him to get home. We were supposed to talk about things because he said we have some problems, but we didn't. He arrived home around 8 (he got off work at 6 and went out for drinks when he told me he'd be home by 6:30). We weren't hostile towards each other anymore. In fact, we we acted as if nothing were wrong. We ordered food, played Tiger Woods, then started watching the movie "Super Size Me'. I fell asleep about 3/4 through the movie.

When I was with him, things were fine, but now that I think about it, why didn't we talk about things? Why'd we act like nothing happened? I want to know why we act like this and what causes it.

Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe he doesn't think I'm fun anymore (and I'm not). Perhaps I'm becoming dull and boring and he just wants to go out and have fun.

Or maybe he is the problem. Maybe the problem is that he wants to spend every minute at the bar and I don't! I like doing other things besides sitting in a dark, crowded bar all day long with people who's life revolves around that place. I can guarentee that 3/4 of those people who go there aren't happy with themselves or with their lives which is why they sit in there all day. I'd BE one of those people if we were there whenever he wanted.

It's Friday, but I'm not really looking forward to this weekend at all. That stupid beer pong tournement that Adam wants to play in is tomorrow. He said that he wants me to be his partner but honestly, I don't even know if I want to. Registration is at 6, and I'm not even sure if I'll be able to make it there by that time due to the family get together that I have to attend to. I still don't know what time it starts either.

Hopefully this weekend will be a lot more fun than I anticipate it to be.

missdahling at 8:49 a.m.