Nov. 04, 2004
Busy Day at Work
My patience is wearing thin right now. When I came in to work it wasn't too busy, but now since there are only three of us here, of course it gets hectic. I'm tired too, so that doesn't help matters. I got very little sleep last night.
I came home after work yesterday because I wanted to see Kitty. I call him Kitty because he still does not have a name. I just don't think the name Stiffler will fly with Adam. He was hanging out with Nicole and Auto. Nicole said that both cats were tired from playing earlier in the evening.
Nicole and I sat down in the livingroom to smoke and I picked up Kitty and placed him on my lap. He sat there and fell asleep while I pet him.
I had mentioned in yesterday's entry that I had to run home over my lunch break to give the landlords a check for rent. They were painting the apartment across the hall so I went over there. They showed me that they had ripped up the carpet in the livingroom and there were hardwood floors underneath. Nicole and I pulled up a corner of carpet in our livingroom and sure enough, there's hardwood underneath there! We talked about ripping it all up. I think hardwood is gorgeous. I think it would look good with a nice area rug. We'll leave that project for another time though.
The kitty would not let me leave last night when I wanted to. I had to go meet Nate, so I layed the kitty down on the bed. With his eyes half-closed, half-open, he got up layed right back down on my lap. We did this ritual about 10 times. Finally, I just left.
After I got done with the business I needed to take care of (meeting Nate and picking up Adam's check), I went home and showered, then went to the bar. After about 15 minutes I decided I didn't want to be at the bar anymore. I knew that it was going to be about 45 minutes until Adam got everyone out of there, so I opted for leaving instead of staying since he said he didn't care. I said a very brief goodbye and was in my way. He said he'd be out of there in thirty minutes.
I wasn't in a good mood, so I was glad I left. I hardly said two words to anyone at the bar. I was glad to be home. I put my pajamas on, grabbed the kitty and let him fall asleep on my chest. I fell asleep too. I was planning on staying awake, but couldn't keep my eyes open. The next thing I knew, I was being woken up by the sound of my cell phone ringing. I answer it to hear Adam's voice on the other end. He said,"Hey, Rick is gonna get us stoned at his house if you want." No, I didn't want to and I made this perfectly clear.
He came inside while I was crying to give me my drink that he promised he'd bring me, then left to smoke. He wasn't gonna go, but I told him that I didn't care what the fuck he did. I was upset because a.)he woke me up when he called, b.)he asked if I wanted to go somewhere when he knew that I wanted to be at home, c.)he arrived home at 4:30 when he said he would be home at 4, and lastly, d.)I was in a foul mood.
I couldn't go back to sleep, so I made a pizza in the oven. Adam was supposed to do it, but since he had decided to go to Rick's .....grrrr.
He was back around 5:30 or 6. I had the kitty sleeping across my chest, but I myself, was not actually asleep. I layed there pretending I was asleep so that I wouldn't have to talk to him. Eventually I couldn't stand 'playing dead' anymore. I don't know how, but we did end up talking.
He said that I didn't seem very happy with him lately. It's true too. I haven't been, but it isn't his fault. I always conjur up all of these ridiculous thoughts in my head. Thoughts of him leaving me for someone else, liking someone else, being an asshole, etc. There are so many girls who are prettier than me and I'm afraid that these girls will catch his attention and things will be over. I tell myself that I'm not good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough for him. And I start to believe it too. Not only do I start to believe those things about me, but I believe that he thinks those things too; even though he doesn't. Therefore, I end up feeling like shit and don't want anything to do with him.
He reassured me that he loves me. He also said that he just wants me to be happy and he wants me to always remember that. He does everything he can to please me. And what do I do for him? I do shit. When I mention this, he said that wasn't true at all ... I do lots for him and he enjoys keeping his girl happy. He held me for awhile as I cried. I just couldn't stop crying, but when I did, I felt a lot better.
We went to my bank to deposit money so the rent check won't bounce. Then we went to breakfast at the eat a bite.
Once we were home, we smoked a bowl, then had sex.
I'm glad that we talked. I wish it were easier for me to talk to him about things like that. Well, things are good right now. I fell asleep for another 3 hrs. peaceully.