Feb. 09, 2004
Too Fucked Up For Words
All in all, I had a nice weekend. It was obviously a full moon...Brandon actually went out with us on Friday night! I was astonished. He never wants come out. I gave up asking him. He had a really good time too. He was sloppy drunk, but havng a blast. He gave Adam and I a good laugh. Over the computer, Brandon told me that he wanted to come out again soon.
I slept over at Adam's that night. It was fun as usual. I slept until about 1, and then got a call from my mother asking me why I wasn't home yet. I completly forgot that I had to get my driver's license renewed.
Madison and I ended up going over to get my picture taken. My mom was working, Megan was babysitting and had to go to work at 2, so that left me to take care of Madison until 4. She was so well bahaved while waiting for me to get my picture taken that afterwards, I went to the video store and let her choose a movie to rent.
Saturday night was somewhat relaxing...Liz and I went to the mall but didn't find a damn thing that we liked, so we left almost immediatly. Then, it was off to her house to watch a movie that I fell asleep to and order food. I hung out with her until Megan called me and asked to get her and her friends 40's.
I bought a 40 for myself but ended up not drinking it. Just wasn't feeling it I guess. A boy named Pat shows up at Hil's house drunk as fuck...his friends dropped him off or something. He kept saying,"I'm too fucked up for words." It was funny at first, then started getting ridiculous. He was stumblng around and knocking things over until he went outside to puke all over Hil's lawn furniture. They wanted him out, so I volunteered to take him home. It was on the way.
Pat got dropped off at what I think was his house (he didn't know either), and I went to the Eagle's...not happy until Adam locked the door and him, Malone and I smoked in the bathroom. There, Jennifer was happy as a clam. It doesn't take much to satisfy me, right? Adam and I decided to get a hotel, so we stayed until five or so.
At the hotel, we smoked, and had sex. We had sex when we woke up too. It was awsome because we slept in until 3 ... how often do I do that? I sleep, but I rarely sleep past noon. I always feel guilty doing that.
Much to Adam's disapproval, I hung out with Justin last night. We went to the bar and had some drinks, then went to his brother's house and smoked.
I got back to town and went to the Eagle's and then the Rescue's. It was a good time.
It was after the Rescue's when Adam told me that the fact that I was hanging out with Justin had been bothering him the whole time when he was at work. I felt so bad ... I mean, he didn't want to be at work in the first place, and then he was thinking about that the whole time when he was there....what a fool I am. I should have known not to go. Nothing happened between Justin and I. Adam said that if it would break his heart if I would ever cheat on him. He told me that he is very attached to me; I even have him whipped. I reassured him that nothing happened and told him I love him...
Not the end of the story. We went back to the hotel then. We tried to have sex, but I was sore and couldn't. I can't help it. I felt bad. Adam had to bring up Justin again, implying that I had sex with him. He then brought up the *unmentionable subject* from the summer. After he kept talking about it, saying that it embarrassed him and I told me that I should be ashamed of myself, I couldn't take it anymore. In between sobbing, I said to him,"Will you please stop putting me down? Don't you think I feel bad enough?" It must have pulled at his heart strings because he put his arms around me, and told me to give him a kiss goodnight. I cried for so long, that's about all I could do. It hurt me to know that I hurt him. I'd do anything for him. He is my love.
"Love is when someone hurts you. And you get so mad but you don't yell at them because you know it would hurt their feelings."