6:42 p.m.


I haven't written since Sunday. That is only 3days, but a lot has happened. Once again, I fucked up. I was having such a good day on Sunday too...Adam and I bought a bag off of Mark and then went to this girl named Teegan's house. She's one of Adam's friends.

We had just gotten finished hitting the bong when my phone rang. It was Liz. I was absolutely stoned and didn't even realize what I was saying, or what was being said. Adam was sitting right by me and heard our whole conversation. He heard everything. We were talking about this guy Ryan, who Adam and I met at the bar one night. He is friends with Liz's boyfriend. The whole night at the bar he was hitting on me with Adam right there. He called me right before I went to pick Adam up after work. I told Adam about it, just to let him know that I wasn't going to do anything with Ryan...kind of lettting him know what's up because I don't like to keep anything from him.

According to Adam, when I was talking to Liz, I said,"I hope he calls. I want to see if its real."

I'm not sure what we were talking about at this point, but Adam thought that I was referring to Ryan's tattoo that he has above his dick. It says 'your name'. Get it? He said to me,"hey, I have your name tattooed abbove my dick."

Who knows if I was even talking about that, it might have been miscommunication. The point was that Adam was soooo pissed.

We left Teegan's and as soon as we got in the car he told me that he had heard my entire conversation. I didn't know what he was talking about until he told me. I tried explaining to him that I had no intentions of hooking up with Ryan. In response, he said,"Fuck you! I never want to talk to you again."

He wouldn't tell me what he was thinking because he told me that he would never say those things to someone's face. I was crushed. I really couldn't believe it.

He demanded for me to drop him off at his dad's house. I didn't want to, I tried talking to him, but he didn't want to listen. I had no choice but to drop him off.

I drove home very, very stoned, confused, sad, upset, angry...well, you get the point. I got home and had noone to talk to. I was sp lonely. I called Brandon to talk and Brandon said that everything would be ok.

I was up practically the whole night. This is crazy, but I drove to his house at 4:30am. I parked, got out of the car and went to the door. The lights were off and the door was locked so I got back in my car and went home. I don't know why I did that. I'm not sure what I would have done if someone had been awake either...

On Monday (I got about 4 hours of sleep due to getting home at 5am) I was still so upset. I didn't go to school. I stayed home.

I desperately needed to get out of the house, so I took a shower and then went to the mall. I bought some really cute things. I got 2 skirts, 3 sweaters, a plain white shirt, 2 pairs of sweatpants, and I guesss that's all. Shopping usually makes me feel better when I am upset, but it didn't really work for this problem.

Before work I called Adam but his grandfather said that he was still in bed and that he didn't feel well last night or something. I didn't hear from him all fucking day. I spent the whole day agonizing and being upset.

Monday night after work I stopped by Vince's and smoked a bowl with them. Then I went to Chris' shop to get another tattoo. I was waiting to get tatooed when he called from the bar. He told me that if I wanted to get together to talk later, then we could.

I was excited and nervous about talking to him. The whole time when I was getting my tattoo, talking to Adam was all I could think about.

My tattoo looks soooo cool. It is on my ass. It's a flower with a butterfly sitting on it. After my tattoo was finished, he called me back.

I picked him up at the bar and one of the first things he said to me was,"I thought I'd never be in this car again."

We tried to talk things out and at first it wasn't working. He just kept getting more and more pissed off, and I was getting more and more upset and frusterated. He kept telling me to just drop him off at home but I was persistant and said no each time.

His feelings were that I really hurt him and he didn't know if he could be in a relationship with me because I lost a lot of his trust and respect. He told me that he wanted to be with me so bad but couldn't. He was like,"The only reason I called was because I missed you. I want to kiss you sooo bad right now, but I have to draw the line somewhere." He felt weak for returning my call and for talking to me. He said that he really cares abotu me.

We talked about how things have changed from when I first met him and how we have always had feelings for each other, even when we were just hooking up and nothing more.

I wanted to tell him so badly that I love him, but I just couldn't do it. Instead I kept saying,"I really like you and I don't know what I'd do if I could never see you again."

We drove around and smoked a bowl. I took back to his house and he said that if I wanted to come in he guessed that I could. Of course I said that I would.

It seemed like after I went inside he had decided that he made a mistake by letting me come in, but we went upstairs anyway.

He kissed me and told me to never hurt him again. We talked about how we were both serious about this relationship.

We had really good sex then. I missed him so bad.

Last night we hung out and he said that he thought about me a lot and that he was glad we talked.

I was/am glad too. I won't fuck up again...I can't....

missdahling at 6:42 p.m.