Aug. 11, 2003
Guilty or not Guilty?
Where do I start?
Am I a bad person for not feeling guilty about what I did? Or am I a bad person for feeling guilty about what I am not supposed to feel guilty about? I guess I should explain....
I went to Vince and Nick's with Megan and her friend Meghan last night. Sean, Scott, Vince and I picked up some weed, and took it back to the house. People smoking were Megan, me, Vince, Scott, Amanda, Ashlee, and Joey.
I tried to avoid Sean's sexual advances toward me. As Vinnie put it, he was 'spittin' some major game.' haha. But, Sean is a nice kid and I enjoy talking to him. He is either (a)a nice kid, or (b)a horny little bastard looking to get laid. Everyone tells me that is (b).
I spent the night talking to Sean, while Vince tried to talk to me without Sean interrupting. Sean tries to mack it. It's funny.
Liz called around 11, asking if I'd come over. Let me tell you, this is a whole other story. I don't even want to get into it because I did something that I am never supposed to talk about again. It is to be forgotten and never discussed with Liz and I from now until eternity.
Anyway, after my renezvous, I went back to Vince's because he wanted to hang out. We layed on his bed in front of the fan and talked for awhile. He kissed me, we started making out, and then we had sex.
I cheated on Adam. Maybe I slept with Vince because of the text msg's Adam sent me last night. I thought we were fighting. I know that's no excuse, but still; I was upset about Adam.
Right after I got back from Vince's, Adam called me. he apologized for being a dick. I missed him, and he really wanted to see me. For the second time of the night, I had sex again, only this time with Adam. I really wasn't expecting to hear from him, but I'm glad he decided to call.
::Unmentionable rendezvous::; Vince; then Adam. What is wrong with me? The thing is, I don't really feel that bad about cheating on Adam. I don't want my reaction to be like this. I want to feel guilty because I am supposed to. However, I can't help it. I feel more bad about Sean finding out that I slept with Vince because Sean likes me. How fucked up is that?
I've decided not to tell Adam about Vince. I'll just hope that he doesn't find out through someone else. And my other occurrance from last night, I kind of want to tell him, but have to keep my mouth shut. I just hate keeping things from him. It isn't good for our relationship.
My feelings for Vince are undecided at this point. I like hanging out with him, but I'm not sure that I'd like a relatinship with him (my sister wants me to get with him). kind of hope that he wants to hang out again sometime. But I'm not sure that it would be a god idea b/c I'm with Adam. Who knows if Vince and I would have sex again or not...Once again, I am confused.