Wednesday, Jul. 05, 2006
Gonna Miss You
There are a lot of things on my mind right now but I am trying my very best not to think about any of them. It isn't because I'm a procrastinator, it's because it is easier that way. Instead of thinking about my problems, I always push those thoughts somewhere into the back of my mind, hoping that they disappear, but of course, they never do.
Yesterday, I woke up feeling happy; happy that I got to sleep in after taking Adam to work at the crack of dawn. There were days when I could easily sleep until seven at night, but apparently, sleeping in is no longer an option for me because my body told me that it was time to wake up at eight thirty am. Either way, I decided to seize the opportunity to have a very lazy day of lounging around. I had a Sex and the City Marathon by myself, watching the DVD's until two in the afternoon.
Somewhere during Season Four, I decided to finally get off the livingroom floor where I had been so comfortably laying for five hours and turn my cell phone on which was sitting on the kitchen table. 'One New Voice Message' was displayed on the screen of my phone. Without even listening to the message, I immediatly knew that there wasn't good news awaiting me. As I listened to my mother speak to me on the message in the tone she only talks in when something is really wrong, I knew right away what had happened.
I tried calling my mother back at her house even though I knew she wouldn't be there. After hanging up, I dialed Megan's number. She answered and I asked her if my mom or dad had tried to get a hold of her. For a second, she got quiet, then struggled to find the right words to say. When she finally did, she said,"Um, I talked to mom....um, grandma passed away this morning."
I had known all along. I just had this 'feeling' about it, but hearing Megan say it made it 'real'. I tried to speak, but my throat tightened up and my words came out like a small squeak. It was then my turn to be silent for a moment while I let my eyes well up with tears.
"When did she pass away?" I asked Megan.
"This morning,"she said without giving a specific time. "But mom was there with her...."
There were so many more questions I wanted to ask her but just couldn't for reasons I don't know why.
For a long time before my grandmother died, she had not been in good health and everyone knew it. Just last week my mom had found out that she had a very rare cancer. This week my mother and uncle were going to get a second opinion from a different doctor, then they were going to make the decision about how to tell my grandma that she was dying.
This might sound awful, but maybe it's better that she passed away yesterday morning. If she would have known she had cancer, it would have devastated her. She was old and giving up. She was miserable in the nursing home where she lived and I can't say that I blame her. When someone isn't able to enjoy life anymore, then what is the point of living?
For the past few weeks my mom kept saying to me,"Your grandma isn's doing good; you've gotta go see her." I had thought about stopping after work one day or some weekend, but the thought of seeing her like that....frail, weak, and with memory loss...I just couldn't do it. I could not bring myself to visit her and I feel like fucking shit now. Like I mentioned, I'm not a procrastinator, I just always do or not do, what's easier. Why am I so selfish?
Tomorrow night is a private viewing for family members only and on Friday is the public viewing and funeral. I am not good in situations like this. I wish I had all the right things to say, but I never do which is what makes funerals and deaths all the more harder for me to deal with. This is going to be hard. I am trying to deal with things one day at a time.
Another thing is that I should have gotten my period by now....it's a week and a half late. This is what happened; It was the end of a pack of pills. I got my period on schedule two weeks ago (the week I was on placeblo pills). I did not have another pack of pills to start after the sugar pills were gone so I just didn't take any (I know, not smart). Normally, I would have gotten my period after about two or three days of not taking regular pills but this time I didn't. I'm afraid to take a pregnancy test. What the hell's going on? I'm getting worried.
P.S. Happy 20th birthday Megan!