Wednesday, Feb. 08, 2006
Lonely First Night
For as good of a day I had yesterday, who would have thought that it would turn completly to shit not even an hour after I typed yesterday's entry in diaryland. As I sat in solitude in my hotel room and had a tantrum, I instantly felt like a dumbass for thinking that my first day would actually go smoothly without any major or minor problems. I should have known that I'd be unhappy just as my day was ending because that is just my luck.
After I had returned back to my hotel room after typing my diaryland entry last night, I was feeling great. I was grateful that I was able to travel here without any complications and I was grateful to have the opportunity to start working again. To my surprise, I wasn't feeling as alone as I had thought that I would and was proud of myself because for once in my life, I felt independant. I was/am finally doing something on my own rather than relying on someone else to hold my hand every step of the way. My spirits were up as I thought to myself,"This isn't so bad afterall..."
As I was flipping through the television stations, it seemed like I was in an airplane, high above everyone else and on top of the world, then suddenly the plane had crashed and I was plummeting towards earth at a rapid speed. The crash came as soon as I saw the caller id on my cell phone read the name '******'.
When I looked down at my hands I saw that I had them clenched into tight fists and my knuckles were turning white. My jaw was set in a straight line and slowly, I felt every bone in my body begin to tighten. I answered my phone and didn't even say 'hello' to Adam. Instead, I greeted him rather coldy by saying,"Why are you calling me from *****'* phone?" Matching my rudeness, he responded sarcastically with,"Who's phone did you think I'd be calling you from?" He then proceeded to ask me all about my day, but when I kept answering him very curtly with no more than one word per question, he became very irritated.
"Don't fucking do this,"he said.
Angrily, I asked him what he had done with himself all day and when he told me that he had just woken up about an hour ago, around six pm, I said to him,"Oh. So you could have came to visit me tonight."
It wasn't the fact that he could have came to visit me last night but didn't that upset me. I was upset because he was hanging out with ****** and I knew from the minute I saw the caller id on my phone that they were going to go out to the bars and drink. The reason that it pissed me off was not beacause I am one of those girls who doesn't let her boyfriend out of the house, it pissed me the hell off because on Sunday night, before I left, he made me promise that while I was here, I would not go out for drinks with anyone. And stupid me, I did promise. If I would have known he was going to be a fucking hypocrite, I wouldn't have made done it. If I couldn't go out for drinks, what the fuck gave him the authority to do so?
After we hung up, I called back a few times in a row and didn't get an answer. I hate being ignored and it infuriated me even more. Tears began to sting my eyes and at that very moment is when I felt very alone for the first time the entire day. Since I had spent almost an hour calling ******'* cell with no luck getting through because they were purposely not answering, I decided to send a text message. I sent a very detailed message stating the real reason why I was angry. It was a good thing I was by myself with nothing to do because the text message that I had put a lot of time into went unanswered just like my phone calls.
I knew that Adam was avoiding my calls because he just didn't want to deal with me, but I couldn't help but think he wasn't answering because he was with another girl. At the time, it seemed logical though. My face was streaked with mascara and eyeliner and I had bags underneath my red eyes. I looked like a mess, but I went outside and had a cigarette.
The cold air calmed me down some, but it didn't cure my loneliness and anger about everything. Luckily I was able to get ahold of two very good friends (my sister and Brandon, and old friend who I haven't spoken with for awhile) and vent to each of them. Both friends were very supportive and each told me the same thing; that I had a right to be upset. Talking to them was a blessing because although I was still really, really pissed off, I had calmed down a lot. I don't think they knew how much it meant to me that they took a little bit of time out of their busy schedules to talk with me or how much better they made me feel.
I got myself engrossed in a movie on HBO for awhile, still occasionally picturing Adam with another girl but not obsessing over it like I had been previously. A little after eleven pm, I decided that I would call back one more time before I tried to go to sleep. Again, I didn't get an answer, but I got a call back right away at least.
"You are such a hypocrite!!!" I cried.
My anger that had faded away was suddenly back ten fold. When I explained my reasons why I thought he was being hypocritical, he made excuse after excuse.
"It's different," he kept saying, but would not go into an explanation as to why, even when I kept asking him to. He would reply with "It's just different."
Another thing he kept saying was,"I'm not doing anything wrong!"
I told him,"I don't know what you're doing because I am not there. How am I supposed to know?!" Thought I might as well let him know that I had doubts and insecurites about him with someone else. He told me that he worried the same thing about me; that I would be with another guy and I said,"I have restraint! You don't!"
He hit below the belt when he brought up issues about the past. "The old you didn't have restraint!" he retorted. It's true, I didn't have many inhibitions, but I did not have a boyfriend and was free to do whatever and whomever I wanted to do. It was then that I hit below the belt when I told him this bit of information that he already knew.
When I thought about the 'old me', it made me even more certain that Adam was with someone else. Because I used to be one of 'those' girls who all other girls hated (some girls still do hate me, but not all), it gives me insight as to what 'those' girls actually say and do. No girl wants to think that their boyfriend or husband would actually cheat on them, but the truth is, it will happen given the right time and circumstance. I have hooked up with stereo typical 'nice boys' who had girlfriends; types who noone would ever expect to cheat; guys who loved their girlfriends but couldn't resist one night with someone else. Sometimes I wish I didn't know how scandalous some girls can be and how vulnerable some guys can be. It would make me a lot more confident in this relationship if I didn't know, that's for sure. Ignorance is bliss in this particular case especially.
Anyways, I ended the call by telling him not to even bother calling or coming to see me because I didn't want anything to do with him. It has been quite some time since I had I cried myself to sleep like I did last night.
Some say that everything looks better in the daylight. This morning when I woke up my perspective on things had changed from last night. I was still upset, but thought that I might have overreacted about everything. I pushed everything aside and decided not to think about it for the time being. With that being done, I was able to concentrate today in training and actually had another good day as far as that goes.
Tonight, Adam called me and acted like nothing was wrong. I still had a chip on my shoulder and responded slightly icy to him at first. I apologized for acting so rash, then calmy explained again why I had gotten mad at him. He also apologized and said that he understood my point, but didn't want me going out only for the reason that I was alone and didn't know anyone. I understand what he is saying as well, but it still angers me to think that his theory was the 'do as I say, not as I do'.
I can never stay mad at him for long. In the end, we always wind up compromising and apologizing to one another so I guess that says a lot about our relationship and who we are. No matter how angry and pissed off I get at him, deep down, I still love him even though sometimes my words contradict what my heart feels. I know that he loves me even when he says the nastiest things to me too. At least we both know where we stand with each other and are on the same level. For that, I am both grateful and lucky. Grateful because I was able to find someone whom no matter how big the fight is, I still love him and lucky to have found someone who will love me back when these kinds of fights occur. Actually, for that, I am both grateful and lucky.