Friday, Jan. 20, 2006
Older and Wiser
Again, my birthday has come and gone....23 years old! God, I feel like I am getting fucking old! 23 today, then as soon as I know it, I will be 25; and that just SOUNDS old, ya know? ... in seven more years I will be 30 and everyone knows how seven years can pass by in what seems like a blink of an eye.
When I look back in my life I realize how much more mature I've become and how much I've changed throughout the years. Sometimes, when sitting in a restaurant or bar, I observe people who are just two, three, or sometimes four years younger than me and think,"God, did I used to act that way?!" But in the same sense, I still like to view myself as that carefree, easy-going girl who doesn't have a care in the world. It's ironic, actually.
Once in awhile, like last Thursday for instance, the day before my birthday, a strange thought crossed my mind. I thought to myself while lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling fan,"This is not how I pictured my life to be at the age of 23." I think we've all painted pictures of what our ideal lives would be like at very young ages. Mine fantasy always went something like this:
I would graduate high school, and head straight to college following fall. On the first day of school, I would meet a wonderful guy who came from a wealthy family beneath an oak tree with the most beautiful red and orange leaves on the ground. Love at first sight! We would get married after we both graduated college and immediatly land miraculous, well paying jobs. We would then move to a big city and become very successful in our work. A few years later, by the age of 25 or 26, my husband and I would decide to start having children. By this time, we would have enough money saved and invested that I would be able to stay home with the kids, at least for a little while. When the children got older, I might go back to work or I might not. It would be totally my decision. My husband and I would still be passionatly in love with one another after the years went by. In our retirement years we would vacation to exotic places all over the world, still living in luxery. We would die happily and together. Voila! Happily, ever after....
At the age of eight, or whenever I conjured up this crazy idea of what my life would be like, I did not think about what would happen if things didn't turn out my way. Error just was not in my plans. There was absolutly no room for it. I lived in this fantasy world until I actually graduated from high school. From then on, I had to face reality. I quit college after one semester, I waitressed at a coffee shop for about six months until I was fired for being unfriendly to the customers, then I worked only part time at the internet service for six months. Working part time meant that it left room for lots of partying and staying out late, though. I was offered a full time job at the internet service which I accepted. Since I worked nights, I was able to start taking classes at a community college in the mornings. That only lasted for a semester because by that time, Adam had moved back home and we were hanging out a lot more. Blah, blah, blah, that pretty much brings us up to present day. Oh yeah, except for the fact that I got laid off from the ISP three months ago. So, as you can see, my life is nothing how I planned it to be.
This past week, I had a face to face interview at the bank I applied for work at. The interview went very well and I find out on Monday whether or not I am hired for the job. If I am hired, I want this job to be a temporary one and I mean it this time. The internet service was supposed to be temporary and I ended up there almost five years. Adam is currently working at the pizza shop because of all the drama at the bar that went down last week. Within about two months, he wants to get a CDL so he can drive truck and try to make some more money in order for us to finally get ahead on things. We've stopped smoking pot all together so he can pass the piss test. I know that I wouldn't have needed to quit, but I am supportive of his decision and want to show him that I am. I have a goal of my own. I want to go back to school by the time I am 26. That gives me three years....
I think that even though our lives do not pan out exactly how we want them to in the time span that we want things to happen, it might be for the best. If certain events and occurances wouldn't happen in our lives, we wouldn't be the people we are today. Life throws obstacles at us and instead of dodging them like some of us tend to do, I think we ought to run smack dab into them because it will make us stronger in the long run.
23 years old ... another year older, another year wiser.