Thursday, Jul. 07, 2005
In the End, It's Okay.
This morning I awoke to a stream of sunlight in my face coming through the window. I squinted my eyes slightly to block out the sun, a little disoriented as to where I was. "Oh yeah", I then remembered that I slept in the guest bedroom last night. Flashbacks from the night before were then racing through my memory. Tears were suddenly in my eyes as I listened to his voice in my mind saying,"I want to have a fifty year wedding anniversary with you someday." I smiled for only a split second before my meloncholy feelings turned to hatred. "...And to think I want to marry you someday! How pathetic is that?!" he screamed. Shortly after he told me that he wished I'd sleep somewhere else, I gathered my blanket; leaving him without even a sheet to cover up with, picked up my pillows and drug my sorry ass to the guest bedroom to try and get some sleep. As I was closing the bedroom door, he called,"Don't come back in here until your ready to apologize." Apologize for what, ass? I hate when petty, little arguments turn into blown out disputes.
I got ready for work quietly this morning without saying more than about three sentences to him. He said he was sorry for last night and I replied with sarcasm,"You said last night that you weren't going to apologize for anything." He came back with,"Well, I just did." I looked up just enough so that our eyes met, then diverted them to the floor. For a couple of minutes we both sat in silence until he broke it by saying,"What's on your mind?" "I'm tired," I said wearily. As I sat on my bed smoking my morning menthol light, I realized that I actually was tired; more mentally than physically.
We made small talk as we rode side by side in the car; him driving and me in the passenger seat. I didn't know how to act towards him and I still don't. A part of me is telling myself to forget about it, but the more stubborn part of myself (actually, the bigger part, because I am very stubborn) is whispering to hold a grudge. I badly want to hold a grudge and throw this in his face every time we fight, but I know that I can't. I love him and it wouldn't be fair if I did that. Throughout the day I've talked to him on the phone only twice. Neither conversations were very pleasant. We still aren't acting how we usually do around each other, but things will get better tonight. And I know that for a fact. That's probably one of the things I like most about our relationship. No matter how bad the fight is, I know that in the end, everything will be okay.
:~: :~: :~: :~: :~:
It's exactly one week until Adam's birthday. I've asked him what he would like, and he said,"Nothing ... you don't need to get me anything." I know that I don't have to, but I want to. The thing is, I don't have very much money. I just paid rent and my car payment, and the bare minimum on my credit card bills. I could take him somewhere, but where? It would have to be inexpensive. All the gifts I'd like to get him would be entirely too expensive (i.e. a set of golf clubs, a new guitar ...). If anyone has any ideas for a gift that is inexpensive, thoughtful, and creative, suggestions are welcome.