Wednesday, Jun. 22, 2005
Letting it Down
Perhaps I smoked a little too much before coming to work. I'm sitting at my desk at this very moment. It's a typical day in the office. Traci is in rare form today; bitching about the company, our customers, and our policies even more than usual. She's right though about most things. Her points are valid and she comes up with some very good ideas about ways to improve the company. It's just too bad that my boss won't listen to her, or anyone. When he does listen he tries to take credit for the ideas that his employees came up with in the first place. Really! He does. I could give examples but just heard me bitch enough about work.
Aaron, one of my co-workers and I are going to order food. And thank god for that! I am starved. My stomach is completely empty. I haven't eaten anything yet today...one of the nice things about coming to work stoned is that none of my coworkers (except Aaron but he is an avid smoker himself) ever seem to notice. I just come in, say hello to everyone quickly, and then proceed to my desk and sit quietly there basking in my own thoughts. The summer season is slow so I can actually sit here and think about things, chat with people over im, or just surf the web. During our busier times, I'm not so sure that I'd enjoy this so much. God forbid, I'd actually have to work!
This is changing the subject completely, but in the back of my mind, I sometimes think that Adam isn't going to love me one day; that he will find a girl who connects with him better and would be happier with. Last night Cheryl, and Deibler came over to play Texas Hold'em. By the way, I won a hand against Adam with trip aces and two jacks; f-u-l-l h-o-u-s-e! I'm so competetive when playing that. Anyway, after our card game was over and we were laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, my mind started to think about our relationship and what I would do if I were to lose him to someone else. I can't even think about it without crying.
I decided to talk to him about it last night. He is always telling me to talk to him when something is bothering me and I usually don't. I let it build up inside of me. I am a mix between an angry cartoon character and a soap opera star when I'm upset. I start off acting like the cartoon character with the clenched fists, tightened jaw, red face and the steam coming out of her head. You can literally see the anger building up inside of me then explode like a dam busting as I go off on a tangent. In the aftermath of it all, I sob dramatically, then throw my arms around Adam's neck and I hold myself there like it's the last day I'll ever see him; much like a soap star. All of my facial expressions and motions are so distinct when I'm upset.
Time and time again, Adam has reassured me that I will never have to be without him and that he doesn't want anyone else. I told him,"I just know that there is someone better for you out there." Seven years from now, I'm scared that he will decide to up and leave me like some cruel, practical joke. As I told him this, his face was filled with a look of frusteration and love all combined into one. He said to me something that he's never said before. "Don't you believe in soul mates just a little?"
I thought about that question, looked at Adam and quietly said,"I dunno ..." I rested my head on my pillow and turned to face him. We are perfect for each other. There's no one else I'd rather be with and I know that we will be together forever; I just don't always believe it. For the umpteenth time, he confirmed these things for me. He told me that I need to believe in us more and to believe him when he tells me he loves me and cares about me. A lot of what he said, I saw in a different light. He's not lying to me. He's pouring his heart out to me and I'm basically shutting him out. Well, from now on, I'm letting my guard down.