Thursday, Jun. 09, 2005

The Truth Hurts

We both froze as Taryn's R.A. knocked on the door and demanded that we open it up to let her inside. My heart leapt while we both scrambled to hide the almost empty bottle of Captain Morgan underneath the bed. I quickly gulped down the last swig of my rum and coke, then sat it on the desk by the computer. I watched Taryn unlock the door and let her R.A. inside. Reality and the booze hit me hard. Suddenly I realized that I was a lot drunker than I had known I was a few moments earlier. The room was spinning and I tried to divert my eyes to look away from one of my best friend's R.A when she asked Taryn,"What's in the cup you're holding?" Taryn tried to bullshit her way out the situation by saying it was soda. The bitchier her R.A. became the more sarcastic Taryn got. Her sarcastic personality is one of the reasons I love her so much. "There's no alcohol in here," Taryn lied, "Do you see any?" Despite the many fabricated attempts to persuade the R.A. that we hadn't been drinking in the dorm room, she knew we were being untruthful. Looking at the tears streaming down Taryn's cheek instantly made me cry too. I gave her a hug, then turned to her R.A. and said to her pleadingly,"You can't do this to her. She's my old roommate and a great girl!" Her R.A. stayed with us in Taryn's room until campus police came and escorted us out into their cop car.

The voice of another policeman came across the scanner as Taryn and I rode in the backseat of the vehicle. Taryn and I both heard the other cop say the name of a guy we knew. Taryn shouts out in reference to the kid we knew,"That kid's an asshole!" "Yeah, I hate him," I chimed in. "Yes, he is an asshole. We're out to get him,"the cop told us. That was the only time I ever rode in a cop car. Actually, I'm not even sure if it was a real cop car since it was only campus police who were called. The city cops weren't even involved. When we arrived at the station I panicked and did not want to be there so I asked the cop, trying to sound sober and polite, if I could please take a walk and then come back there. Where was I going to walk to at 2 i nthe morning?

I know the town I was in like the back of my hand, yet I was so, so, so intoxicated that everything looked unfamiliar. I got scared because it looked like I didn't know where I was, so I started running. As I was running, my head was still spinning and everything looked blurry. I couldn't make out street names and barely noticed passing other partiers on the street. First, I thought I'd find my friend Jaquolyn and her friends who were at a fraternity party. She was visiting for the weekend just like I was but had left drinking in the dorms early to go to the frat. Of course I had been to the fraternity more times than I can count, knew exactly where it was, but couldn't find it for the life of me. It was scary. I ended up at another fraternity which was at the other end of town from where I wanted to be. I decided to forget about the frat and go to a house party that was hosted by Adam's friend. Earlier in the night, his friend Nate invited my friends and I when we saw him at the convenient store. A task as simple as finding a house was difficult that night because of the amount of alcohol I consumed. I weigh 105 pounds, Taryn not much heavier, and we drank one of those big jugs of Captain Morgan almost dry between the two of us. And that was our pregame.

Two boys stopped me while I was running around the streets trying desperatly to find Nate's house, or somewhere familiar. They proposed a threesome. I declined. They kept persisting. By this time, I was very distraught and was crying. I told these boys about the night I had and how my best friend was getting an underage and I left her with campus police. They said they could make me feel better. For a moment, I forgot I was in the middle of the street talking to two horny boys I didn't know. Maybe I blacked out, then came back to when I noticed that one of the boys was taking my hand and placing it on his dick. I pulled away, but they led me to their apartment. I can remember walking along the row of townhouses and that they lived in the very last one in the row. Ironically, Adam moved into one a few doors down the very next summer. "Are you gonna sit there and cry all night or are you gonna come inside?" I didn't like the tone of his voice at all. It sounded cold and condescending. I remember sitting down outside on a doormat that had apparently been rained on because it was soaking wet. My body didn't feel it soaking through my jeans because I was numb. I cried even harder and watched them go inside, saying,"If you want to come in, the door will be unlocked." With that, they pulled the door shut behind them.

After sitting there for I don't know how long, I remembered that the boys told me what street I was on. I don't think I was sobering up, but I knew that Nate's couldn't be far from there. I walked around some more until I spotted a familiar face walking on the other side of the street. I yelled,"What's your name?!" It was one of Nate and Adam's friends , thankfully. I ran over to him, hugged him and of course, cried again while explaining the events that occurred earlier. He walked me to Nate's house. As soon as I got to Nate's, I saw Adam sitting on the couch by himself. I rushed over to him, sat down on the couch, buried my head in his chest and somehow felt a little better but was still in hysterics. He led me up to the bedroom of one of the guys who lived there and we sat on the bed and just talked. I called Taryn's room to make sure she was alright and to let her know that I was okay and was with Adam.

Last night, I was thinking about this experience right before I was about to go to sleep. For how drunk I was, I couldn't believe that I remembered it with that many specifics. Not to mention that it happened three years ago already. It's just one example of how selfish of a person I am. I left a good friend to deal with the police by herself. If I were a good friend, I would have stayed with her the entire time. Instead, I was thinking of myself getting in trouble.

Adam sort of blew up at me last night. My attitude when I picked him up from work was horrible. I didn't really talk to his customer's who were in there drinking even when they tried to make conversation with me. Sure, what they said came out sounding weird and a bit stupid, but like Adam said, they were just trying to be friendly. I admit, it must seem like I take no interest in other peoples' lives. He said that I am selfcentered and he didn't know how I can treat people the way I do. We are very different people. He's nice to everyone, even people he doesn't like. I, on the otherhand, am very spiteful and have a hard time being friendly towards enemies. I'd love to be one of those people who can just go up and talk to anyone about anything. For some it comes with ease, but for me it's difficult. Usually it seems like I can only make conversation with people who are interesting to me. "You don't have time for the average Joe,"said Adam. It's true, sadly to say. There aren't many people I find interesting enough to start a conversation with. I need to start giving people a chance. I know that the world doesn't revolve around me but I forget that a lot. An ex-boyfriend from high school told me the same thing that Adam did last night; the world does not revolve around me. It made me think. "You have such a great personality when you're in a good mood,"said Adam. And when I'm not in a good mood he more or less said that I'm a bitch. To some people I meet, I probably seem like a bitch all of the time because that's all they see of me. I don't want to come off as fake. When Adam was talking to me about all of this, he asked what I was thinking. I looked down at the comforter on our bed and pretended to be really fixated on the smoke that was coming out of my cigarette and into the warm, summer air. I was thinking of the story mentined above and various other instances when I was selfish. "I will not live with/ be married to someone who acts this way in public," he said exasperated. I either have to shape up and change my flaws or lose him forever. I don't want to lose him. He told me that he was sorry for hurting my feelings and sorry for going off on a tangent. I looked up at him briefly and tried not to cry. He did hurt my feelings a lot, but sometimes the truth hurts I guess.

missdahling at 5:13 pm