Friday, May. 20, 2005
Life Goes On
I've learned that I think too much when I'm alone. I came directly home from work last night in hopes that I would have an easier time getting up this morning (8:00 am). I'm a night person though, not a morning person. I tried to take a nap but the fucking cat pissed on my bed just as I was about to fall asleep. By the time I tried to stop him the damage was already done. After taking the sheets off the bed, realizing we had no more clean ones, I said screw it and sat on the unmade bed, ready to read a book. Only a few pages were read before I started thinking about him. I know I've written about him before, but it's that time dreaded time of year for me again .....
It was a typical Sunday morning. My mother woke me up for Sunday School as I pulled the covers back up over my head, shielding my eyes from the sunlight. I lay there for only a few minutes before getting out of bed to take my shower. I put on a checkered, sleeveless sundress that came to just above my knees, sandals, and wore my hair half up/half down. Megan and I joked around as we both got ready, listening to Rick Dee's and the Weekly Top 40 on the radio.
I forget which hymn was being sung when I walked into Sunday School and took a seat in the back next to my friend, Melanie. She whispered a little loudly to me,"Are you going to Selena's girl scout things this afternoon?" I was, in fact. A girl who I used to be in Chorus with chose a few members from chorus and a few members from choir to sing in a concert she was holding as a Girl Scout project. I excitedly told Melanie that Jason, my boyfriend at the time, would be going to the concert to watch me sing, then we were going to have dinner at my house and go to a birthday party I was invited to later on in the evening.
The church I went to was within walking distance from my parents' house. As I enjoyed the walk home after the service was over, I remember anticipating what my afternoon might be like. I was excited that I got to spend time with Jason. We had been dating for a little under seven months. He asked me out over the phone after we had went to a haunted house with our friend, C.J. who introduced us the previous summer. Jason and C.J. attended the same school and I met C.J. when I was in only 4th grade through my horsebackriding instructor. The three of us became inseperable somewhere between that summer and fall (1998). I look back on that time period as one of the best I've had in my life.
When I got home, I changed out of my church clothes and put on shorts and a tank top while I ate a quick lunch with my family. I was getting the ironing board out when I was told that I had a phone call. I answered the phone in my parents' bedroom to hear Jason's voice telling me that himself, C.J., and our friend Brad had all been in a car accident while they were coming home from the mall. He told me that they were all fine, just a little shaken up. After I spoke with Jason, I asked to talk to C.J. He got on the phone and said he was alright, but it really fucking sucked. He had been coming around a sharp corner too quickly which caused his truck to flip over into a shale pit. They walked up the road and used the phone of a woman who went to my church to call for help. They ended up getting Brad's car and taking C.J. home before coming to my house.
Every girl who was participating in the concert program was asked by Selina to wear a long skirt because her mother was very conservative and would flip out if we showed the slightest bit of leg. A few days before, I had bought a long, black skirt with tiny, white flowers on it and a black shirt with a slightly draping neckline. I had just finished putting on my outfit when heard the old, brown Maverick pull into my driveway. Right away I went outside to greet Jason and Brad. We talked a little about the accident. C.J.'s truck was in poor shape, but could be fixed. They said that he was a bit worried about what his parents would say about it when they got home from Annapolis, Md. Other than that, all was well.
At the concert, I don't remember too much. The concert started at 3pm but we had to be there by 2:30. I do remember being on stage with a few other girls from chorus while we sang the song "Somewhere Out There" from the Disney movie 'An American Tail' or one of those movies with the mouse. I stood up there with everyone, wanting to look at Jason who was sitting in the very back row of the auditorium, but getting nervous and shy so I'd look away quickly. He didn't pay any attention to the concert except for the parts when I sang. I thought we were so in love....
When we arrived home, Megan said to Jason,"Brad called here like, thirteen times for you. Each time I told him, 'No ... he is not back yet...' He said it's important." Jason called Brad's house but since there was no answer he called C.J.'s house. Brad was supposed to go back there after he dropped Jason off with me so Jason thought he might be there. I was leaning up against the counter in the kitchen while Jason was making the calls. I wondered what was so important that Brad called so many times. I can sort of recollect the conversation Jason had when he called C.J.'s house. An unfamiliar voice answered. "Is ****** (C.J.'s real name) there?" asked Jason. I don't remember if he then asked for Brad, but when Jason got off the phone he had tears in his eyes. He turned to me and said,"******'s dead." I was so confused and didn't think I heard him correctly so I asked a little dazed,"What?" Tears started pouring down Jason's face as he painfully told me that C.J. was dead because he shot himself. I started bawling and yelling,"I hate him!!! Why did he do that!!?!?! Why did he have to do this to us?!" I then stomped to my room, laid down on my bed and just sobbed for awhile.
My mother came home from work and asked why everyone looked so sad and upset. The first thing she said after we told her was,"Oh my god, his poor parents...."
Jason did stay for dinner anyway. We had kabobs and chicken on the grill that my dad made. I had only a small portion because my appetite was gone. After dinner Jason and I sat on the swing in the yard overlooking the road, just watching the cars go by.
At the party, all my friends could tell that something was wrong. I broke down crying quite a few times. After it became dark outside Jason and I laid down in the grass, holding each other, looking at the stars up above. That night was the first and last night so far that I've ever seen a shooting star. Of course when I saw it, it made me cry again. Jason and I talked a lot that night... about life, about death, and about love.
C.J.'s parents returned home from Annapolis to find that their lives have completely changed forever. Their youngest son was gone without properly saying goodbye. He left a note telling everyone he loved them. There was a specific line in the letter saying that he wanted Jason to always take care of me. He did for awhile, I think partly out of obligation, but that summer we drifted apart. The phone calls to one another became less and less frequent until eventually they stopped altogether. Jason and Brad grew apart as well. Shit went down and very hurtful words were exchanged. I still talk to Brad every now and then but we aren't as close as we used to be. I don't think we ever will be either.
On May 30th, it will be six years since the day I described above. It doesn't seem like it was six whole years ago because I can remember it so clearly but yet, that day seems so long ago. I feel like I am a whole different person than I was back then. I was so angry, sad, upset, meloncholy for the next year or so after it happened. I went into depression because I just couldn't come to grip with the fact that one of my best friends that I had known for six years was gone. And honestly, I still can't believe it. My horsebackriding teacher said to me once,"You'll have good days and bad ... days where you'll hardly think about it and days when everything is going to remind you of your friend that's not there ..." Sometimes I am afraid that I'll forget what he was like .... what his hobbies were, his passions in life, his flaws, what he looked like, his clothing style, the sound of his voice .... but I think about him everyday whether it's consciously or subconsciously and I know that I'll always remember him. It might seem so stupid to still get upset about something that happened that long ago. The pain never fully subsides, but as C.J.'s mom told me "Life has to goes on."