Jul. 01, 2004
Impatience is a Turnoff
I don�t know what is wrong with me �. I think it�s just PMS, but I haven�t been feeling like myself lately. For example, last night I became pissy because after Adam got off work, he wanted to stop by Beaver�s because he had some people over. I didn�t see the point of stopping by. It was already 4:30 am. We were only there for about 15 � 20 minutes. I thought of it as a waste of time.
We got home and my mood was sour. He was like,�I make food for you everyday � you eat a free meal everyday�I buy your cigarettes for you and you didn�t even want to go to Beaver�s with me for 20 minutes.�
Of course I then felt like shit. Even though I like being treated like a princess, I don�t want him to go out of his way. I told him that too. I also said that if it was too much trouble making food for me, then I would stop coming to his work on my dinner break. He said that he didn�t mind at all and that he was just trying to make a point. I understand, but I still felt bad. Sure, I like getting a good, free meal, but I really like going in there on my dinner break to see him. It sounds stupid, but it really does make my day a little better�it helps me get through the remainder of my shift.
He asked why I get so irritated so easily. I responded by saying that I was inpatient. I don�t know why I�m impatient. It�s a big flaw that I have and I know it. It�s something that I need to work on�.actually, I have a lot of flaws. God, I could make a list. I�m far from perfect. I realize that everyone has their imperfections and faults, but it seems like because of the weaknesses that I do have (selfishness, impatience, etc�) it makes it seem like I don�t give a fuck about our relationship or him. And I hate that because I love him more than anything�.I love him more than he even knows. I just wish I could show HIM that.
I�ve been thinking about what we�ve talked about last night ever since I woke up this morning�.ever since we ended the conversation last night. I�m probably reading into it too much, but when he made the comment (or proved the point) that he makes me food, buys me cigarettes and does soooo much else for me (he didn�t say that, but he does do everything for me) �. I don�t know, I got the impression that he doesn�t want to do things for me anymore. I thought he did those things because he loved me. If he doesn�t want to do those things and is getting annoyed by them, does that mean that he�s starting not to love me?
I�m sitting here at work with tears in my eyes.
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I just got back from my dinner break. Chicken fingers and corn nuggies were what he made me tonight. He also willingly gave me $10.00 for gas and cigarettes. I appreciate it. I hope he knows that.
Meg and I were supposed to go to Bloom tonight because my cousin Lauren is in school there right now. I called my cousin Lindsay (Lauren�s sister) earlier today but never heard back from her. I guess Megan and some of her friends are just going to come hang out at my place tonight.
I am tired�.lack of sleep is getting to me.