May. 19, 2004
Just Some Bitching
I�ve been feeling so shitty about myself lately. I just feel like I am not fun and I�m bringing everyone else down with me. I�m afraid that because of my negative attitude, Adam will decide that he doesn�t want to be with me. And to be honest, with the way I�ve been acting lately, I wouldn�t blame him one bit.
I�m a selfish bitch. That�s what I feel like. It�s like I can�t even have fun anymore. I go out, but I have to try to make myself have fun. I never used to be like this.
Last night for example, I started off having a really nice night. Since Adam played cards at the Rescue�s on Sunday night and I chose to stay home, we were supposed to do whatever I wanted to do. I was to choose which bars we went to, when we left, etc. The night went nothing at all like that.
It started off good. We went to the Social Club, then to Danley�s. Now, I didn�t pick Danley�s, but I didn�t mind going there. And more so, I didn�t make a fuss about it.
Then Bender wanted to meet us at the Eagle�s instead of his house or somewhere else. Every fucking time Adam says we don�t have to go to that bar, we end up there anyway�. So I complained, but went inside despite the fact that I didn�t want to be there. Once we got inside there were no more complaints out of my mouth. That is until I flipped out on Bender for drinking another beer instead of making the deal outside like he said he was going to do after he finished the previous Bud Light.
I felt bad for flipping out on him later in the night when Adam told me he was really stressed out and having a hard time. I didn�t know, but it still made me feel bad. I should call and apologize.
Ben and his friend came back to our house after the Eagle�s to smoke. It irritated me a little bit for the mere fact that Adam didn�t ask me if it were okay for them to come. But I understood �. He hasn�t seen or hung out with Ben for awhile so I dealt with it.
I thought we were going to sleep after his friends left. I was ready to smoke, have some alone time and then go to sleep. But hell no, we had to smoke with Malone and Nicole. I didn�t feel like hanging out with them, but I hardly made a big deal of it.
I was so glad when it was finally time for sleep. I was soo tired. We smoked again; just the two of us and then I did something that I had never done before (kind of did it I guess). All I wanted to do was go to sleep after smoking, but we started making out which was really nice. Then he tells me that he wanted me to dance for him because it would be sexy. I am so insecure, esp. lately that I didn�t want to do it. He asked me before and I said no. He sat on the edge of the bed and put Dr. Dre on the cd player. The fourth song. I forget the name of it. I did it though. I wasn�t into it, so I wasn�t really moving around too much. But hey, I tried. After we had sex, we did go to bed.
It wasn�t until the morning when I realized how upset I was by last night. We didn�t get up to do laundry because we had been up late last night. I was pissed about that. Plus, to make things even better, I was about 30 minutes late for work. I overslept.
Malone and Nicole are having people over tonight. I wish they weren�t. I don�t feel much like partying. Not at all.
I wish I could be happy again.