Nov. 12, 2002

What I'd Like is Different From What Actually Happens

Whenever I talk to 'him', I feel like crying. The conversation was perfectly fine, but yet, it still upset me. The whole situation makes me really sad. We talk as though everything is fine, but I think we both know that things between us are unfinished. I hate myself for believing the lies that he tells me. I just wish that he would want me as much as I want him. It's horrible not being able to have something that you want. I'd like to tell him exactly how I feel about him and get an honest response from him in return. I'd love for us to run into each other at a party; we'd talk about EVERYTHING; we'd be so engrossed in each other that we wouldn't even notice the drunken laughter, dancing, or commotion happening around us. I just try not to think about it. Thats ONE of my ways of coping. Seriously, when I think about it, it tears at my heart and makes me feel so desolate and melancholy I can hardly stand it. ::sigh::

Before work today, I went to the mall. OK, I was not going to spend any money on myself. I was going to save it to buy xmas presents. I got part of Liz's gift. A total of about $20.00. I spent about a total of $50.00 on myself! I couldnt resist though. I kept seeing cute clothing that I just HAD to have! What can I say, I am a slave for fashion. Besides, clothing makes me happy. From now on, I am saving my money for other people's gifts, and also for school, which start in Jan.

I talked to Taryn last night for the first time in 4EVER. I am going to visit her soon. Neither one of us have talked to Jaquelyn. She is so shady anymore. She seems to reinvent herself to be like whoever she is hanging out with at the time. I cant stand that. Just be 'real' for christ's sake. I luv her to death, but what is her personality really like? Is that what people think of me? Do people think that I am not myself?? I sure hope not.

I know that I said I wasnt going to talk to Kevin, but I just text messaged him. If he doesnt respond to it, I give up. I am serious this time!

Hey, does anyone read this? If u do, leave me a note or IM me. :)

missdahling at 6:55 p.m.