Dec. 14, 2002

Advice Would Be Appreciated

My plans for tonight were supposed to be going to the movies with my friend Lynn, her cousin, and her boyfriend. A double date type thing. Honestly, I dont really know if I like the kid who asked me to go. Plus, I am beat. Right now, all I wanna do is go home, take a shower, and go to sleep.

Sometimes, I like to get wasted. ok, so I like to get wasted every chance I get. But anyway, after I left Sue and Jason's house last night, I went to Ana's apartment. Someone, I think it was me, got the great idea of having Ana's brother go to the bar and buy us 40's. Ana, Liz, and Ana's roommate, Hernan, sat there playing card games and getting wasted.

Now who do you suppose was the first one to finish her 40?? ME. surprise. Liz got drunk; not even drinking half of hers. light-weight. Soon enough everyone was drunk, or at least buzzin.

I am a drunken dialer. I left numerous messages on people's cell phones.

My cousin is soo cute when she is drunk. I call and she goes,"JENNY!! IM WASTED!!! GET OVER HERE!!!" We told each other several times that we missed each other and I told her Id call her when my family and I visit her mom and dad the day after xmas. cute are we?!

Im not sure if it was a mistake, but I called this kid who is 'his' roommate (no, not Kevin). I told the roommate to tell 'him' that I said hi. Well, I ended up talking to him until the roommate's cell phone went dead.

'He' called me back a little later. Stupid me, I went over there at like, 4:30 am.

I was really on an emotional trip last night. We ended up talking about things that ive been meaning to mention for a long time. I apologized for what went down with Kevin (along w/ some other people).

He kept telling me to be careful...think before you do things...

He knew about all the other guys that I had hooked up with. Apparently he knew about me sleeping with Kevin. He said,'everyone knows...not like its a big secret,' or something to that effect. He even knew about the guy from the beach. What was I supposed to say to that? I felt horrible, but in a weird way, I felt glad. Almost like, 'hey, this is what u deserve. I guess i am spiteful.

Even though he kept telling me not to apologize, I did anyway.

I dunno what I was thinking, but I blatantly asked him where this relationship was going and why its the way it is. He told me that he didnt know what he wanted. Finally, an honest answer. Thats what I've been trying to get outta him for soo long. It hurt that he didnt wanna be my 'boyfriend', but at least he was honest.

I think he could tell that I was disappointed and upset. I really felt like crying while I was lying beside him in bed.

"I dont know what I want. I dont know if I want a serious relationship."

I keep hearing those words over and over.

The only thing I could say to that was,"Well, when you figure it out, please let me know so that I can move on with my life."

I meant that too. I asked if he thought it was a good idea if we kept hanging out. He said yes and I told him that I thought it would be ok. I think about it now and im not so sure. Im really confused.

What do I do now? Wait for him? Should I wait for him to realize that hes losing a good thing? What if by the time he realizes, its too late? Help please...I need some advice.

missdahling at 2:14 p.m.