Thursday, Feb. 09, 2006
Adam's visit
Tonight is my last night away from home. I'll travel back home tomorrow night after my work training, around four in the afternoon, just in time to hit all the afterwork traffic probably; lucky me.
This week has gone by surprisingly quickly which I am thankful for. My mind is spinning with all of the new things I've been learning in training. It's going to be tough keeping everything straight and remembering what transactions to do and how to put them into the computer and calculater, etc. I am glad I have one more week of training though because that means that the start of my new job is prolonged a bit longer. I was nervous to come to training and now I have myself worried about starting the actual job itself.
Adam arrived yesterday afternoon a few minutes after I got back to my hotel. I had just walked outside and into the parking lot when he pulled up in my sister's old, beat up car. Honestly, I was a little worried about him driving all this way in it because I wasn't quite sure if the car would make it or not. Luckily, there were no complications or anything. He made it here safe and sound.
It was nice being reunited with him and seeing his familiar face. We went out for Chinese food last night after watching a bit of tv. When we returned back to the hotel we watched more tv because this town is even smaller than the one that I live in; therefore there is absolutly nothing to do. I am surrounded by farms and fields and quaint, little shops that are located on the only street where you will find any signs of human life at all. The fact that the area is really beautiful almost makes up for the fact that it is as boring as it gets.
Adam and I visited and hung out like we would have done at home. I felt a little bit homesick after I asked him how the cats were doing and he told me that they both have been still sleeping on the bed with him at night. He suspects that they realize I'm gone and they miss me a lot because they have been hanging around him more and meowing more often than usual. I cannot wait to see them.
I ruined our evening and possibly the whole visit when I brought up the other night (click back one entry to get the details). He said that he did not want to talk about it, put on his shoes and coat, grabbed his cigarettes and walked out the door without saying a word and I let him go. When he came back inside, I was still sitting in the same spot on the bed, staring at the tv. I wouldn't even look at him. For awhile we didn't say anything to each other.
To make a long story short, we did end up talking about the other night. Basically, we are not on the same page with one another and neither one of us wanted to make a compromise. Usually when we fight, we do meet each other halfway, but latley, it seems like it just isn't working. He says that he understands my view points, but honestly, I don't think he actually does. Sadly to say, I don't even think he tries to understand. At least I try. Sometimes, it is so frusterating trying to get him to listen to me.
He isn't all to blame though ... I know that I have some major issues, specifically pertaining to trust and dwelling on what happened in the past. Adam suggested that I talk to a professional about my problems, but I told him that I don't feel the need to. The truth is though, that sometimes I do feel like I should. I just don't want to. I don't like admitting it, but our relationship just isn't what it used to be and that scares me. It seems like it just keeps deteriorating. As much as I want this to work, sometimes I highly doubt that it will. Again, something else that scares me.
When Adam left this morning as I was getting ready for work training, we started arguing again and it wasn't even fucking eight am yet. One of the last things that he said to me was,"I love you, but you have me so fucking pissed off right now." When he asked me if I wanted a kiss goodbye, I just shook my head and quietly said no. He then left and I probably won't talk to him until tomorrow.
I have some things to think about but thinking about the issues I have to face absolutly drains all the energy out of me. Right now, I will concentrate on my job training ... I'll just take one day at a time because that's all I can do.