Tuesday, Nov. 30, 2004
It's a Brand New Day
The Monday Night Football game was boring last night so I didn't stay at Liz's as long as I usually do on Monday nights. I wasn't in the mood to be around people anyway so I went home.
At home, I was actually very productive. I cleaned our bedroom and bathroom and did two loads of laundry. The wash isn't finished, but our room looks a lot better.
When I was at work yesterday I called Adam to ask him if he would make sure that the DVD's he threw across the room weren't broken. I called again last night to ask if he had checked them. The response I got was,"Why the hell would they be broken? They're in a box." I then explained to him that objects sometimes get broken when you throw them. Correction, I should say that I TRIED to explain it to him but he wasn't understanding. I finally got frusterated and said,"Nevermind. I'll just see you when you get home."
He called back but I didn't answer. He left a voice mail though. I can't recall exactly what he said; something about how I wasn't supposed to talk to him when he got home and I do remember it ending with,"Fuck you!" He sent a text message that asked 'who the fuck do you think you are?! I called his work and when he answered, I said,"And fuck you too!"
The funny thing is that I wasn't all that upset over all this until he got home and we made up. We both apologized to each other. I think that's when I realized how ridiculous the fight was. It was caused by me and I felt awful. I felt even more awful when he commented on the fact that all of these stupid, pointless, little fights we get in are caused by me. We both think that it's work / stress related. Now, this really made the wheels in my head start turning ...
I thought about the little fights that I sometimes cause and I know that those should be eliminated. They shouldn't happen at all. And then I conjured up the idea that if these little, insignificant arguments keep happening, he will get sick and tired of all the bullshit and he'll decide that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. That thought is making my eyes water right now.
When I told him this, he looked at me and said,"I love YOU." I know that he does which made me cry even harder. I then started to wonder why he loved me. "Why would you want to be with me?" I asked him. He turned to me and told me that everyone has their flaws and he loves me very much.
No matter how hard I tried, I could not stop crying. I haven't cried that hard or that much in a very long time. Everything built up inside of me and burst, I guess. Kind of like a dam.
He tried to calm me down and get me to sleep, but I seemed to have too much to think about. I just felt like shit about everything....
My parents basically took care of me until the time I was 21. I moved out two months after my 21st birthday. Until then, they let me live in their house, eat their food, did my laundry, and just cared for me. And what have I done for them? Absolutly nothing. I got very upset about school. They paid for me to go to Bloom for a semester and I fucked it up. I never went back.
That brings up a whole new set of problems. If I would have went back failthfully, studied hard and declared a major, I would be a senior this year and graduating in May. Maybe that was supposed to be my ticket out of this hellhole that I work in.
Adam explained that school is definitly not for everyone. It wasn't for me, nor him. Yes, I realize this and completly understand, but there is always that 'what if' question.
Talking to Adam helped calm me down and feel better about things. Before we actually went to sleep he asked if I were alright. I replied,"Yes, I'm alright. Tomorrow will be a better day."
And it is better.