Wednesday, Dec. 08, 2004

With Love From Me to You

Dear Adam,

I'm writing you this letter to get some things off my chest and try to justify the 'terrible mood' that I was in last night. I write this because when I try to talk to you and explain to you what I am feeling, you always cut me right off and turn things around so that I am the bad guy. You make it seem like nothing I say to you is making sense; that I am just talking a bunch of crazy jibberish. When you do this, I get flustered. I know what I'm trying to say but can never find the words to make the sentences make sense and get my point across. The words just don't come out right. Maybe since I'm writing and not speaking, the words will come together.

Last night, when my shift at work was over, I was tired. Usually, after work I am tired; completly, emotionally drained. I normally like to go home, lay down, clear my thoughts and relax on days like this. And yes, I know that we have different ideas of what and what is not relaxing. Going to a loud bar where there is a number of people is not my idea of relaxing. In fact, it's stressful. Stressful in the fact that most of these people; yourself included, are either a.)getting drunk, b.)drunk, c.)very, drunk , or d.)drunkity, drunk, get the picture. My alcohol tolerance has plummeted to the ground within the past few years and so has my tolerance for dealing and associating with drunk people. Perhaps it's because the atmosphere of the bar isn't quite the same as walking into a frat party or sorority...who knows.

I can't see how I was rude to you last night right after my shift ended. I was tired, so I wasn't talking too much. If you interpretted this as me being rude, or my attitude was sour, I apologize.

The only time when I thought I was disrespectful was while we were at the Hookies and I wanted to leave. You wanted to go there because it was Sinko's birthday and you thought he was going to be there. He wasn't, so I didn't see the reason to stay. Your argument to this is probably going to be that you 'just wanted to have a few beers.' And you did. We were there for a little bit and you also got off work about two hours earlier than me. I am sorry for making a scene in front of everyone. That wasn't right and I know it. I should have dealt with it, then said something to you when we got in the car or something.

Even when we left the Hookies I wasn't in that terrible of a mood. In fact, I was happy...happy that we left. I don't see why you made a big deal about dropping me off at home. Before we left the Hookies we discussed going to the Eagles. I said that I didn't want to, but you could go. When I was about to get out of the car you told me that you would walk. Why would you do that? I never said anything about the car. If I had a problem with you using it I would have said so.

At quarter of two I started to get very sleepy so I called to see when you were coming home. I wanted to know because if you were going to be awhile I was going to go to sleep. If you were coming home shortly, I was going to wait for you so that we could spend some time together. I was not calling to 'check up on you', as you said when you got home. I had a legitimate reason which I just explained as to why I called. If I were going to check up on you, I would have came to the bar unexpected, or walked by. I'm not a stalker, nor do I not trust you. If anyone had trust issues in this relationship it was you. Notice I use the word HAD. You used to not trust me and I can give many examples of that. Think back to last year when you first moved back home....

After I got off the phone with you, I was excited and glad because you were on your way home. But when you got home my feelings changed completly. You claimed that I was mean to you ever since I had gotten off work, well, you were mean to me ever since you walked in the door when you got home from the Eagles. In a sarcastic, condescending tone you exclaimed,"There! Now I'm home like you wanted!" Well, I'm sorry, but you were the one who offered to come home. You acted like you wanted to come home to see me. I believe that you said,"If I leave right now will you stay awake? This is my last beer anyway." If that were the case, then why the harsh attitude towards me first thing when you walked through the door? Why did you tell me that you were planning on going to the Rescues with your dad? While we spoke while you were at the Eagles you said,"....this is my last beer anyway." At home you told me that you didn't know whether or not you would have gone to the Rescue's. Stop contradicting yourself and get your story straight.

I realize that when you get very angry at me you sometimes say things you don't mean. When you are in a fit of rage, words come rolling off your tongue without you even realizing what those words are. Calling me mean names (you haven't done this in awhile), saying,'fuck you', threatening to not live with me when our lease is up...words hurt. Just hearing you say them hurts even though I know you don't mean them.

I always cry when I hear things like that. Last night you made the comment,"Just cause you're crying doesn't mean I'm the bad guy." I don't cry to make you 'the bad guy', I don't cry to make you feel bad. I cry because I'm hurt and I can't help it. When this happens, I don't know what to say. I get at a loss for words and it seems like I can do nothing except sit there and weep. I'm sorry.

I love you more than I can describe in words. It makes me feel like shit when you tell me that I treat you like shit. You don't deserve that. I want you to know that I love you. I want you to feel loved and cared about. I wish that you would know that I would do anything for you. It's true. I'm sorry you don't know how much I love you and I am sorry for treating you badly. I promise, I will try to be better to you. I won't treat you how I treat everyone else. You're not everyone else; you're so special to me and it saddens me that you don't know that.

Your love forever,

P.S. I am using the $50.00 that you gave me last night not to buy Christmas presents, but to get my Effexor perscription filled. Maybe once I start taking it again I will feel better about myself and it will cause fewer problems between us. Perhaps then I will not feel like the whole world is out to get me.

missdahling at 3:34 p.m.